Sometimes we feel undeserving because we carry around unrepented guilt
Sometimes we feel undeserving because we don’t feel valued as a person. Perhaps others treated us as people who did not hold much value. People used us for their own pleasure. They manipulated us. They told us things that weren’t true. They betrayed us. They treated us like dirt. As if we were not valuable creatures.
God treats us as if each one of us has intrinsic value, more valuable than gold or silver. Worthy of being cherished, nurtured, and cared for. That intrinsic value has nothing to do with works – we do plenty of things wrong! That value may be something we never get to see – but our creator does. He knows our value and our worth because He’s the one who created us.
Expectations vs. Reality
I think many of us live in the world of expectations rather than reality. Whether we realize it or not, we view the world based on what we expect to happen rather than dealing with reality. We might expect our spouse to always do their share of the household chores, we expect our children to get good grades, we expect our coworkers to act professionally, our government to be fiscally responsible, our weather to always be bright and sunny, etc. But when we set these expectations high, we tend to encounter one disappointment after another. Our spouse always neglects the laundry, our kids are barely passing their classes, our coworkers back stab each other, etc. When disappointed, we tend to get angry. We get angry not so much at what others do. We mostly get angry over the fact that nothing’s going our way. People aren’t acting the way we expect or wanted them to. We want control. We don’t like feeling like we don’t have control. So we get mad. As if somehow we’ve been betrayed. So we take it personally. It ruins and clouds our judgment.
Sometimes, we might sigh and decide to just let it go. But all we end up doing is readjusting our expectations. To avoid disappointment, we might readjust our expectations. Instead of expecting good things to happen, we expect bad things instead. We expect people to hurt us, betray us, hold grudges, manipulate us, but be anything but be kind and affectionate towards us. If people are kind, we assume it is because they want something, not because it is genuine. We do this as a means of protecting ourselves from hurt and disappointment and for the most part, it works. However, it takes work to keep up those walls all the time. It also isolates us. We find that, even with our friends, we can never let our guard down, not completely. Because we expect, at some time or another, for them to betray us. They are nice now, we tell ourselves, but sooner or later, at some point, they will betray us. But these are not realistic expectations. At some point, yes, a person might do something they probably shouldn’t. They might hold a grudge or do something unkind. But what is the point of worrying about it? Maybe it will happen, maybe not. One cannot prepare oneself for every unkind thing another person might or might not do to betray us. It is not possible. Nor is it practical. Nor does it make sense. If they do hurt us, the hurt will be just as great whether we thought about it, and “prepared” ourselves for it or not. The only thing we can do is worry about the hurt when or if it comes. In the meantime, we should be thankful for the positive relationships we have, without worrying about how it might get ruined.
I think I’ve been so sheltered my whole life with very few friends, and certainly none that have lasted, that it is very hard to know what to do to keep a relationship going. I feel very inadequate. I feel like I have to walk around egg shells around the other person. I even feel that way about my friends. But if they are truly my friends, they will accept me for who I am no matter what. They will accept me for being myself. And those that don’t accept me really aren’t my friends anyway. And the easiest way to make friends is to be yourself and be vulnerable to others. There is nothing gained by allowing walls of distrust to build around you. You make less friends, the ones you do have are unfulfilling because you never allow yourself to get too close to people, you feel lonely and isolated, and you’re not really protected from any hurt.
Putting up walls of expectations, no matter what they are, are also useless. Expectations that are set too high will disappoint; set too low, and they will isolate you. Also, how will you expect to build others up when you’ve set your expectations low?
All people have the potential of achieving great good, or great evil. Strangers are very difficult for me because there is no expectations. And if I just met that person, and they have done me wrong, I may not know how to encourage the good in that person. Logically I may know they are capable of doing good, but since I only know the bad, I immediately set my expectations on that person so that I expect that person to always do me harm. How do I encourage the good in a person I don’t even know?
It should be known that the most beautiful of things happen in unexpected places. If we dwell too much on what we expect, we will miss out. It is important to just deal with whatever it is we need to deal with at the current moment, without any expectations for good or bad. Don’t let others’ expectations be our guide. Just be who we are and do whatever needs to be done. If we allow the expectations of others to guide and direct us, these will only imprison us.
Although I know this, it just seems impossible to do it.
My parents were control freaks. One could not go beyond certain boundaries, no matter what. That was just… unacceptable. Dare I say it… unforgiveable. In my younger days, there was a lot of yelling, a lot of verbal abuse, or the other extreme, neglect. When I got older, I came to the realization that I was never ever asked how I felt about anything. I resigned myself to the uncomfortable truth that my feelings didn’t matter. If they did, my parents would’ve asked me how I felt. But they never did. And the few times they did ask, they had done so as an afterthought, not because they really cared. If my own feelings conflicted with their expectations, they’d immediately invalidate them and attempt to change my mind. And they always had the last word. This left me feeling utterly worthless as a human being. I simply stopped speaking up for myself. What would be the point? I knew my place within the family unit. To survive this oppressive environment, I ended up resigning to whatever lies they’d manufacture for themselves.
But that was true as a child. What about now? What is the worst thing that can happen if someone like myself were to do the unexpected, if you were around friends or strangers? You might get stares. You might get frowns, as if you’re crazy. You might get stunned silence. And you might not get any validation or support for breaking the boundaries of being YOU. I think that’s what frightens me the most. Stepping beyond the boundaries of other people’s expectations and feeling that no one will be there to support you. They may even ridicule you into going back to playing the same roles you’ve always played. You feel like you have to go along with their expectations in order to be accepted and loved. But that’s a conditional love, which is no love at all. If you go along with other people’s expectations as a self-protective mechanism, to protect yourself from the possibility of being hurt by those who adhere to rigid conformity, then you will never feel happy nor free with the people you are with. You will end up feeling anxious, vulnerable, afraid, beaten down. You will submit to what they want, albeit grudgingly, and with a lot of resentment. Inwardly, you’ll feel like a coward, but you won’t know what else to do.
Fortunately, God’s love in unconditional. And if people truly love you, they will treat you with an unconditional acceptance. And these are the people you want to surround yourself with. Do not surround yourself with harsh legalists or rigid conformists; people that are too inflexible, harsh, and merciless towards those who do not conform to their ideals. Do not surround yourself with people who care nothing at all about your feelings. People who genuinely care about you will automatically ask you how you feel, in a heartfelt genuine way. They will lift you up when you are down. They will admonish you gently, with tenderness and love. They will always treat you with patience and love. They will lavish you with unexpected joy. You will be a delight to them, and they will be a delight to you! There is only one expectation in these cherished relationships: LOVE. Relentless, unwavering, unhindered, LOVE. And it is only within these relationships can a person truly GROW and BECOME the person they were always meant to be, the very BEST they can be!
By God’s grace, I now have people in my life who are like this. Even so, I still feel uneasy. All it takes is one unfortunate incident with a callous person to throw me off balance. And it takes me a LONG time for me to recover, even with a great support group of close friends. Every time an unfortunate incident happens, it sometimes will trigger old memories of my childhood, and I wind up reacting to the situation, subconsciously, like I used to do as a child, by feeling defeated and withdrawn. It takes all my willpower sometimes to climb out of the rut. But, by God’s grace and LOVE, I know that one day all the scars of my childhood will one day be healed. By God’s grace, and under His abiding LOVE, I will blossom into the person God had always intended me to be!