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Myths and Mental Illness: Does Regular Church Attendance Reduce Depression and Suicidal Ideation?

While the stigma against openly discussing mental illness has slowly eroded among secular circles, the church, unfortunately has been slow to catch up.

There are several misconceptions regarding mental illness. While the stigma against openly discussing mental illness has slowly eroded among secular circles, the church, unfortunately has been slow to catch up. Secular circles acknowledge that mental illness can be complex. The roots of mental illness can vary from early childhood trauma, pharmaceutical side effects, chronic illness, chronic pain, severe allergies, chronic exposure to air pollution, and genetics.

It is important to note that mental illness is just that: it is an illness. And what do you do when you feel ill? What do you do when you feel sick? If you have symptoms of coughing, sneezing, fever, fatigue, you are likely to stay home from church and rest. When you have a migraine so bad you can’t think, concentrate, or move your head without feeling like you’re going to vomit or pass out, you are likely to stay home. When you are suffering so much chronic pain, you can’t concentrate on the pastor’s sermon, you stay home. Why do we see physical illness as a good enough reason to stay home from church and rest our frail bodies, but when it comes to mental illness, we claim regular church attendance is the cure to our disease? But that is exactly what some Christians are saying.

The article I just read claims a healthy, loving marriage and regular church attendance are all that is needed. In fact, there are articles everywhere now jumping on this claim. Languishing churches fretting over low attendance and declining financial savings are promoting church attendance as a cure-all of all society’s ills, from failing marriages, to preventing ‘deaths of despair’.

I have been a Christian my entire life. I have always made it a priority to attend church regularly. I also have a very loving husband. None of these things however prevented me from having a traumatic emotional breakdown in the fall of 2019.

At the time, I was an active member of prison ministry and our church’s praise team. I’d force myself to church out of sheer will power. I went out of my way to put on a brave face and pretend I wasn’t going out of my mind with anxiety. I’d make myself push through each meeting with other prison ministry volunteers, plus lead my local congregation in worship each Sunday. And while I’d feel slightly more optimistic than if I had stayed home, the feeling was short-lived.

In the end, I had to face facts. I was “sick”. I was severely “sick” in fact. I was so ill, I was barely functioning. I was severely sleep deprived. I suffered panic attacks day and night. I had no sleep at all. My blood pressure was off the charts. My muscles had stiffened so badly, I could barely move. Meanwhile, my emotions raged on like a hurricane, like I was reliving a horror film, over and over again. It was a movie I couldn’t stop. A runaway train that had gotten out of control. And there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop it.

I got on my knees and prayed one morning, confessing to God my helplessness. I confessed, too, my pride that had been preventing me from admitting, even to myself, just how debilitating my condition had become. I had to face facts. I had to face the truth. My mind was sick, and I needed help.

Before that moment, I had tried to do it all on my own strength. I had read all the right Scriptures. I prayed all the right prayers. I had devoured every book I could get my hands on that might help me face my anxieties and fears. Some books were secular, some not. It didn’t matter. None helped.

My husband did his best. We spent many long nights talking. We talked about what could have sparked my downward spiral and what we could do to get me back on my feet again. But nothing he said really helped. I still felt… stuck. And I couldn’t seem to get unstuck.

The stigma against mental illness is greater amongst Christians than even the secular world. That is, as Christians, we are often taught that anxiety is a sign of weakness.

I had the misconception that so many Christians also have regarding mental illness, especially anxiety. The stigma against mental illness is greater amongst Christians than even the secular world. That is, as Christians, we are often taught that anxiety is a sign of weakness. It’s viewed as a lack of faith. We are taught we just need more Scripture, more faith, more prayer, better church attendance, more church fellowship, more godly marriages, more humble service, and all our anxious thoughts and deep wells of depressions will all magically disappear.

Why do Christians today treat the mentally ill as if their condition was nothing more than a deserved consequence for their own lack of godly living, steadfast prayer, or poor church attendance?

In Jesus’ day, the Jews believed those who were born with physical disability were cursed because of their sin. Why is it then that some Christians today treat the mentally ill as if their condition was nothing more than a deserved consequence for their own lack of godly living, steadfast prayer, or poor church attendance? Do we treat the physically infirm this way? Did not Jesus treat all manner of illnesses with compassion, regardless of the cause? Did he not show mercy on both the physically disabled, as well as others, even the demon possessed?

There should be no shame in skipping church if you are feeling emotionally overwhelmed. God knows your needs!

When I look back on everything that happened to me in 2019, I realize I should not have been so hard on myself for skipping church. When your anxiety’s already off the charts, you already feel overly sensitive to just about everything going on around you. Any little thing has the potential of making you feel overstimulated or even setting you emotionally off a cliff. There’s nothing wrong with taking a break, of admitting your human frailty before God. “God, I want to go to church today. I wish I could. But I’m not feeling well. You know me even better than I know myself. You know how emotionally fragile I feel right now. How deep a rut of anxiety and depression I feel I am in right now, and how much I seek quiet and solitude. Let me be silent and still before you now, today.”

I had one friend of mine many years ago who stopped going to church altogether. When we first met, she was always smiling. But then one day this remarkable, amazingly confident woman was suddenly afflicted with panic attacks, insomnia, phobias, self-doubt, and fear. She no longer could fake a brave smile anymore. She looked somber and forlorn. She withdrew from people more and more until we lost touch with her altogether. And while I don’t recommend withdrawing from people entirely whenever you’ve fallen deep into the pit of depression… I now understand the feeling. I have now been there myself. In times of deep darkness, there’s a strong impulse to push people away. I have discovered, however, that the cause of that impulse is often pride.
In our culture, the shame and stigma of mental illness still exists. And I admit I felt a deep shame regarding my own emotional struggles.

Sometimes we get so hard on ourselves. We tell ourselves things like, “Why do I feel this way? What’s wrong with me? There must be something wrong with me. Nothing makes sense. I have nothing to feel depressed about. I have a happy home, a great marriage, a wonderful church family, and a steady income. Plus, I am a Christian. I know in my head, and even in my heart, that everything’s in God’s hands. I am loved by him. So why do I feel so down? Why do I feel so depressed? Why am I so anxious all the time? Why am I consumed with self-doubts and fears? Why do I feel worthless all the time? I shouldn’t feel this way. What’s wrong with me?”

These thought patterns motivate us to hide our feelings even more. And when we can’t make sense of why we feel the way we do, it makes it even more awkward and embarrassing to show our feelings to others. We don’t tell others of how we feel because we can’t make sense of it, even to ourselves.

I know of at least three pastors who have openly admitted their struggles with anxiety, and at least two privately mentioned they take medication on a regular basis.

When I finally got over my pride and started to openly talk about my struggles with anxiety, some of my friends were shocked and surprised. One of them privately told me she also suffers from anxiety and panic attacks. Since that time, I know of at least three pastors who have openly admitted their struggles with anxiety, and at least two privately mentioned they take medication on a regular basis.

The bottom line is, we don’t really know exactly why there’s been such a massive rise in mental illness these last few decades, although there have been multiple theories. The latest research suggests there might be a combination of factors, with some surprising results. One of the most surprising is the link to air pollution and mental illness. Who would have thought? Also, those who suffer from hay fever are several times more likely to suffer from panic attacks. No one yet knows the reason for this. As for myself, before my mental breakdown in 2019, I had always known I was highly sensitive to any medication with side effects that included “nervousness” or “depression”. Thus, it is not outside the realm of possibility that some chemical pollutant in the air could be contributing to my own bouts with anxiety.

A feeling is a feeling only. It will pass.

One thing I learned from my therapist – a feeling is a feeling only. It will pass. Be patient. The more impatient you are, the more you try to control what you feel, the more pressure you put on yourself to “improve” your mood, the more you will delay your progress. You are putting pressure on yourself to “heal thyself” instead of laying it before God.

No matter what you are feeling right now, God still loves you.

Do not let pride or shame prevent you from going to a Christian therapist or seeing a psychiatrist. Do not let pride or shame prevent you from taking medications, if that is what they recommend. Do not let pride or shame prevent you from talking to others about your struggles with mental illness. Yes, you should pray, read Scripture, attend church services, and fellowship with others. But don’t feel guilty if you’re feeling too overwhelmed to go. Don’t feel guilty for taking a “mental health day” of rest. Jesus knows your needs. Be assured, he does not condemn you. No matter how many church services you’ve had to skip, you are still loved. He holds you in the palm of his hand and cherishes you as his precious child. No matter what you are feeling right now, God still loves you. There is no pit of darkness so deep that he can’t reach down to sit with you. He will even hold you in his arms, if you let him. But he will never leave you. Ever.

How Should A Christian Respond to a Jehovah Witness?

who is Jesus — Who is Jesus- He is both God and man

Many people wonder how should a Christian respond when a Jehovah Witness shows up at their door.

A few years ago, I exchanged emails from a Jehovah Witness regarding the concept of the Trinity. I am sharing this because I am sure we have all have faced it before. We will at some point be confronted with Jehovah Witnesses at our doorstep. And when we do, we need to know what to say. I think because we had exchanged emails, it allowed both of us to think about our words more carefully. For the most part, his responses had been civil, but I became annoyed when I discovered most of his comments were directly copied from their brochure. However, his most impassioned response came when I tried to convince him that Jesus was both God and Man; that He had to be God to be perfect (without sin) and man (so that He might be weak and die in the place of sinners). He seemed very adamant that Jesus should not be worshipped as God.

Here was his rhetorical response:

The only way Jesus could have resisted Satan is if he were God?

And if he were completely man, he would have SIN in him? Jesus had to be a man without the imperfection that sin imparts in order to satisfy God’s perfect justice; like for like. He couldn’t be the RANSOM if he weren’t a perfect man. Jesus countered Satan’s temptations with SCRIPTURES. Not by being God. We can do likewise, but in our imperfect, sinful, and human way. That’s why Jesus left us a model to follow.

When has Satan tempted God and expected to win? It’s absurd to think that Satan could tempt God with a loaf of bread, or that God could put himself to the test, or be offered power that God did not have himself.

He went on to say this:

Then would Adam have died if he did not sin?

If not, then death through sin would not have occured, right? Adam would live forever in paradise. But a perfect man can be given free will, and it would be up to him to use it in the way God intended: by obedience. And, to make it completely impossible for Adam to live forever, he let Satan tempt Eve and, subsequently, Adam. Is that right? Then, since Adam could not possibly resist Satan unless Adam were God, Adam was doomed to failure from the very start! Thanks, God! That is so fair!

And so the need for another perfect man to balance the scales, Jesus. He was not God. Neither was Adam.

And what was the irresistable temptation? Satan told the first lie. “You won’t die.”

Adam was free to obey God’s ONLY command. He was free to eat from that tree.

His prospect of living forever would rest on his decision. He was still perfect up until he made the wrong choice. When he chose to eat from the tree, he forfeited his PERFECT life and became imperfect, able to pass on that imperfection to his progeny, including death.

Instead, the ransom was appropriate. But Jesus had to be what Adam was not: obedient. Jesus passed that test just like Adam could have but didn’t. And Jesus paid the ransom with his life – his PERFECT human life.

For what it’s worth, here is what I said in return:

Hi [I’ve deleted the man’s name to protect his privacy],

Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ! I hope and pray that you and your family are well.

I have been doing a lot of thinking, praying, and researching. While I do not want to argue or dispute with you what the Watchtower says, I do care about straigtening out some falsehoods and misinterpretations of the Word of God.

At the core of things, there seems to be a great deal of misunderstanding of who Adam was, specifically who he was in comparison to Jesus. I do not mean to poke at you. I have noticed similar misconceptions even among my Christian contemporaries.

Firstly, with regards to Adam, it is important to understand that Adam was just a man. He came from the dust of the earth and God breathed life into him. Other than that, there was nothing special about him.

You mention the following regarding Adam:

Then would Adam have died if he did not sin?

What does Jesus say? “No one is good—except God alone.” Which means Adam wasn’t good.

It also begs the question: what do you believe about Christ? Do you believe Jesus is good?

And think carefully before you answer. Because if you respond with “yes” then based on Jesus’ own words, you must also conclude that Jesus is God, because “no one is good—except God alone”. But if you respond with “no”, then Jesus was NOT good, and therefore would have fallen short of becoming a perfect ransom of our sins.

If not, then death through sin would not have occurred, right? Adam would live forever in paradise.

Adam could have resisted sin only if he first also believed that God had his best interests at heart when He told him not to eat of the tree of knowledge. And if he had believed and had put his trust in God, he would have been gifted as Abraham had been gifted “Abraham believed and it was accredited to him as righteousness”. God would have gifted Adam with the Holy Spirit and the faith to overcome sin if he had believed in God. But if Adam had resisted that one temptation, it would have only have been for that moment in time. The Bible says “resist the devil and he will flee from you” but doesn’t the devil always come back eventually to tempt us again and again? Wasn’t Jesus tempted 40 days and nights? Was not Jesus tempted his whole life on earth? Do you really think the resistance of one temptation would have “earned” Adam the right to eternal life? No, it would not. In fact, was not there another tree in the garden that would have granted Adam eternal life? Wasn’t it called the Tree of Life? Adam chose not to eat of that tree. He chose to eat instead from the tree he was specifically told not to, at the very first onset of temptation.

But a perfect man can be given free will, and it would be up to him to use it in the way God intended: by obedience.

Obedience is the evidence of faith in God. And faith is the evidence of belief and trust in God. As Scripture says: “The righteous shall live by faith”.

And, to make it completely impossible for Adam to live forever, he let Satan tempt Eve and, subsequently, Adam. Is that right? Then, since Adam could not possibly resist Satan unless Adam were God, Adam was doomed to failure from the very start!

As I mentioned before, if Adam had believed that God had his best interests at heart, if he had trusted that God had already given to him everything he could have possibly wanted, and did not have the desire to covet anything more, God would have gifted him with the Holy Spirit and the faith to overcome and resist the devil. The test was a test of FAITH and nothing more than that. God did say “if you eat of the tree you will die” but He did NOT say what would happen if Adam resisted that temptation. We only know what might have happened if Adam had resisted based on what has always happened among the examples in the Bible of those who believed in God and lived by faith. And we know faith is a life-long journey, not a one-time resistance to the devil’s lies.

Thanks, God! That is so fair!

It is a sobering lesson that God is God and we are not. We cannot hope to resist sin on our own power. We must humble ourselves and accept that God alone is good.

And what was the irresistable temptation? Satan told the first lie. “You won’t die.”Adam was free to obey God’s ONLY command. He was free to eat from that tree. His prospect of living forever would rest on his decision. He was still perfect up until he made the wrong choice. When he chose to eat from the tree, he forfeited his PERFECT life and became imperfect, able to pass on that imperfection to his progeny, including death.

His prospect of living forever would have rested on eating from the Tree of Life, not on the Tree of Knowledge. And no, he was far from perfect before he disobeyed. The disobedience was the evidence of Adam’s unrighteous heart. Think about it. The Bible says “Abraham believed and it was accredited to him as righteousness”. If Adam believed God, if he had believed and simply trusted that God had his best interests at heart when he said “do not eat of that tree”, he would not have eaten of the tree. He wouldn’t even had considered it. But Adam acted like a spoilt child. He had everything he could ever want. And he wasn’t happy. He wanted more. With the tiniest nudge from a serpent he chose to eat of the tree he was specifically told not to. And just as a spoilt child typically would react, Adam didn’t even repent of his sin. Instead he blamed his wife. Where was the rightousness of Adam? God gave him one simple rule and he wasn’t able to follow even that one. If anything, Adam’s failure proved just how imperfect a man he was.

And so the need for another perfect man to balance the scales, Jesus. He was not God. Neither was Adam.

Who was Jesus mother? Who was His father? Was not His mother Mary? And was not His father the Lord God Almighty? Certainly, Jesus was no ordinary man! His conception was a miracle of God! When Jesus called God “Father” He did so in the literal sense. He had no earthly father or conception. He did not just resist sin – He performed miracles and wonders no man could have ever dreamed of! He walked on water, commanded the wind and the waves, casted out demons, brought sight to blind, healed the lame and the sick, and raised the dead to life. He was also transfigured before Peter, James and John in all His glory. He claimed to be the “bread of life” who spoke “words of eternal life”. Was Adam all of these? There is no comparison. Jesus embodied all the goodness and power and glory of God – Adam did not. And as far as ransom was concerned, this was far more than a life for a life. Jesus had to be the ransom to pay the burden of every sin, weakness, humiliation, shame, and the deserved wrath of God, FOR THE ENTIRE HUMAN RACE EXISTING FROM ADAM TO THE DAY OF JUDGEMENT. All men, regardless of their righteous deeds, are but dust and ashes compared to the Son of God. Possessing God’s perfect goodness of character, Jesus alone could perfectly and consistently resist the devil. Yes, Jesus used Scripture. But Scripture is useless without the power of the Spirit of God behind it. (The Pharisees also had Scripture and it was useless to them.) As to the question why Satan bothered with tempting Jesus at all if the devil knew Jesus was God…. why does the devil do anything? Pride deludes him into thinking he can defeat God. That was always the devil’s problem from the very beginning.

You said: “Jesus would never allow humans to worship him in place of God” and I firmly believe that is a true statement IF Jesus was an ordinary human being like you and I. If any ordinary human being like you or I made statements implying he was God, and people swarmed to bow down and worship that person, we would rightfully call that blasphemous. But Jesus was no ordinary human being.

In the book of John, Jesus makes several “I AM” statements:

I am the bread of life. 6:35, 48, 51.
I am the light of the world. 8:12; 9:5.
I am the door of the sheep. 10:7, 9.
I am the good shepherd. 10:11, 14.
I am the resurrection and the life. 11:25.
I am the way, the truth, and the life. 14:6.
I am the true vine

Many of these have cross-references to the Old Testament referring to God. A Christian theologian told a story once of a time in which he began to study the Old Testament with a group of modern-day Jewish scholars. A few of the Jews became curious of the New Testament and asked him if he could lead a study on one of the gospels. One day, one of the Jews came to one of their studies. He had never read any of the New Testament Scriptures before in his life. The Christian theologian asked him to read aloud from John chapter 10. As the man read the words of Jesus, he began to look appalled. His reaction was immediate when he got to Jesus words: I am the good shepherd. “He is declaring himself to be God!” he shouted. The man was so enraged, he spat on the Bible, threw it down, and stomped on it. Now, if this is the conclusion and reaction of a modern-day Jew, don’t you think the Jews of Jesus’ time would have reacted the same? The Jews would have interpreted Jesus’ statements the same way: they would have concluded that Jesus was referring to himself as God. And this conclusion would have inspired one of two responses: either one of reverence or one of contempt. There would have been no middle ground. The ones who hated him had him killed. As to the others, I challenge you to find a single incident in Scripture of Jesus dissuading anyone from worshipping him. Even the angel that gave John visions of the book of Revelations corrected John when he fell down in worship of him. Even Paul and Barnabas were mistaken as gods in the book of Acts after Paul healed a man yet surely their actions paled in comparison to all the signs and wonders Jesus performed while He was on earth. In light of all these things, is it really that incomprehensible that many of Jesus followers revered him as God? And if that is so, why doesn’t Scripture give any warnings against it?

P.S. He has not emailed me since.

And to this day, I have not heard a response from him.

The New Age of Young Pastors and Trends

For a year, we belonged to an aging churchu. To put it into perspective, we are 50, and we were called young!

My husband worked as a pastoral assistant under the senior pastor who was hired five years ago in an attempt to attract a younger crowd. This church once had 800 members, but that was many decades ago. That number had dwindled over the years to less than 100.

The senior pastor is everything one would expect from a hip, younger crowd. He’s got the long hair, long beard, and tatoos. He’s got the wife and two kids. He’s smart, too. He’s getting his PhD from a prestigious seminary. He convinced the church to disassociate itself from both Baptist conferences, and take the word “Baptist” out of its name, because, well, the word “Baptist” just isn’t hip or cool anymore. He rebranded the church with a hip new name, designed a new flashy website where he could post all his latest sermons, set up a church directory that people can use a phone app to use, hired a children’s minister and planned weekly “youth nights”, and bragged constantly about the church’s ideal location near the town square.

But none of these things impressed enough to bring in the masses. In fact, numbers dropped, rather than grew.

Meanwhile, aging buildings were in disrepair. The old and the elderly, which comprised of most of the congregation, were not being cared for. The woman who had led choir for decades had stepped down and there was no one to replace her. She had also taught the only Women’s Bible Study. The gracious musician who had always led worship had never been paid a salary. The children’s ministry served only a half dozen kids, and that includes the senior pastor’s two sons. Youth nights had zero attendance, although many people prayed youth would come. Meanwhile, Fourth of July celebrations and various other big city events brought thousands of local families within a stone’s throw away of the church’s doorstep, and the senior pastor never once proposed a single evangelistic venture to reach out to them.

In an ideal church, a person’s personal relationship with God should matter first, the care and fellowship of current church members second, evangelism third, and then worry about everything else. But everything falls apart if priorities are backwards.

My husband was released from the church because his skills did not align with the church’s needs. At least, that’s what he was told. In a sense, they were right. There was definitely a misalignment. But the misalignment was on their part, not on my husband. My husband did not care about the dwindling funds that failed to cover the ballooning costs of facility needs and repairs. He did not have the skills, nor the motivation, to do much about the upkeep of the aging buildings. He cared about the people and whether or not they were grounded in Christ. He strove to act on the needs of God’s people, leading Bible Studies and visiting the sick and homebound. These were his priorities.

You see, the church is not a building. It’s not whether or not it has a young, hip pastor or even the size or state of its buildings. It’s not a location. Nor is it defined by its membership’s ethnicity or age group. It doesn’t matter if the church is full of old people or little ones. None of these things define a church body. What defines a church body is the quality of the people who meet together. Are they all gathered together for the same purpose in mind, to worship the same God, with lovingkindness, in Spirit and in truth?

This church reminded me of empty nesters living in a large, oversized, and very old home. Empty nesters who no longer need all that space, and no longer have the time, energy, or funds to keep up with all the home repairs. Empty nesters who are in denial of what they desperately need: they need to downsize!

The sensible thing to do is to give to God what is God’s. The kingdom of God’s people is not defined by a building. It is not defined by a location. It is not defined by a denomination. It is not defined by a hip rebranding or a membership list. God’s people includes all believers everywhere. It includes every body of believers, worshipping together in gatherings, all throughout the city, and the world. The “church” with its newly branded hip name does not own the buildings or property. God does! So, sell the property to another group of God’s people. Sell it to some growing congregation that needs it. Sell it to a growing congregation that may already have the funds to fix all the repairs. and in the meantime, move the current flock to a much smaller, more practical, and more financially sustainable, space. That way, everyone is happy! The larger church gets what it needs, and the smaller one gets a smaller “home” in which to worship.

So what if the “home” is smaller? So what if the location is different? A manageable house of worship means less stress for the pastor, and everyone else! And more time, and money, can be spent on the things that matter.

We’ve heard recently that the senior pastor’s latest move was to hire an executive pastor to manage church assets. Sadly, I am doubtful this latest decision will be any more successful than anything else he has done. The main thing is still not being treated as the main thing!

It is easy to get enraptured by a building. Even Jesus’ disciples got distracted by the beauty of a structure meant as to be a sanctuary of God.

Some of his disciples were remarking about how the temple was adorned with beautiful stones and with gifts dedicated to God. But Jesus said, “As for what you see here, the time will come when not one stone will be left on another; every one of them will be thrown down.” -LUKE 21:5-6

A structure built by man can be easily destroyed, and it is no substitute for the unperishable gift of eternal life given to us by the Holy Spirit, through the Gospel of Christ!

As the saying goes, keep the main thing, the main thing, and you can let go of everything else!

What I’ve Learned From My Anxiety – One Christian’s Point of View

I have suffered bouts of anxiety / depression off and on all my life. In 2019, I suffered the worst episode in my life. My emotions jumped from fear, anger, shame, helplessness, sorrow, worthlessness, despair, and back again. It was a constant spinning spiral, like being in a hurricane. I felt helpless as all these crazy emotions seemed to rage within me. It was distracting. I couldn’t concentrate. I couldn’t get anything done. I had a hard time staying in the moment. I felt like my mind was being plunged into another place and time. A time that was frightening. Terrifying. But someplace oddly familiar, like I’ve felt this way before. I’ve been in this pit before, but I couldn’t remember exactly when or how.

Pulling myself out of the pit was impossible. The anxiety ran so high, the fight or flight switch got turned on. I’d try to watch something funny on television, but it was like trying to concentrate on a comedy show while your being crushed with dread. Like trying to laugh while bombs are dropping and exploding all around you, and any moment you could get hit and blown to pieces.

That’s how I felt, anyway, for what it’s worth, even while my analytical brain kept trying to convince me that I was perfectly safe, that there was no real danger. Clearly, there was a disconnect between what I was thinking analytically and what I was feeling inside.

Part of the problem was that my analytical brain was getting impatient with my emotional side. My emotions felt out of control, and my analytical brain kept trying to stuff them all down. It kept fighting for control and nothing was working.

During this time, I read countless books on anxiety. I prayed constantly. I devoured Scripture. But in the end, I realized the more I tried to control my emotions, even as a spoke Scripture aloud, the worse things got. I suffered frequent panic attacks, day and night. I was lucky if I got more than an hour or two of sleep. My body was in high alert, 24/7. Every muscle in my body felt tense. I was running off of sheer adrenaline. My blood pressure began to soar.

One of the books I read during this season of my life was The Adversary by Mark Bubeck. The book spoke to me. After soaking in the book, I devoured more books on spiritual warfare. They all seemed to make sense. I read books on spiritual warfare praying. I bought the workbook on Preparing For Battle. I asked a friend about it. She referred me to a place I could call for a spiritual consultation. I was desperate. I knew I needed help. I called for an appointment and got scheduled with a prestigious expert on the subject, who, after I spent $75 for a 50 minute session of explaining my life story and the crushing state I was in, gave me an email with a bunch of advice and practical prayers to use. My husband and I took the man’s advice, but my condition worsened, and after my husband sent frantic emails to the consultant for help, the person finally did call back, not out of compassion or sympathy, but out of sheer annoyance. His contempt was evident in his tone of voice; he asked me no questions and gave me no chance to speak. He monopolized the entire conversation. I had to interrupt him to say anything at all, and the more I tried to say something, the more irritated he became and spoke over anything I had to say. It was evident he wanted to do all the talking, so I let him have his say. He told me my parents were “diabolical”, that I should never had volunteered for prison ministry, and ventured on a long tirade boasting of his own achievements. At the end of the phone call, he gave me a bunch of Bible verses to keep in mind, and that was it. The only positive thing he said was that my husband must really love me to be so persistent. I hung up the phone, my hands shaking. Here’s the irony: his tone of voice reminded me precisely of the “diabolical” tone my parents would use on me; that prideful contemptuous tone that doesn’t give a whit of the emotional wreckage you are in but tries to pretend to for pride’s sake. It is for this reason, and others, that I gave up on “spiritual warfare” ministries to save me. I came to the realization that I was “praying” for all the wrong reasons. You have to realize something: I was in fight or flight mode. It was like a switch had been turned on and I didn’t know how to turn it off. I was in hyped up adrenaline-rushed hypervigilant mode. Survival mode. I felt like I was fighting for my life. But I was fighting for… control. I wanted control over my emotions, control over my anxiety. I just wanted it all to stop. And when I prayed the prayers of “spiritual warfare”, it was like a placebo. It gave me the illusion of being in control even when I wasn’t. instead of giving the battle to God, I felt I had to be even more ready, more in control, more vigilant and prepared for the spiritual battle before me. And it was exhausting! But, when I look back on it, it was as if I didn’t really trust God to fight the battle for me.

One morning before church service, I opened a Bible randomly and read the verses that were there. And the verses jumped off the page. It was only then that I realized the dire error of my ways. I had always been uncomfortable with the prayers of “binding” spirits, but I had been so desperate at the time, I didn’t know what else to do. And the verses of 2 Peter 2:10-12 convicted my heart. Hadn’t I been foolish? Hadn’t I been acting like an animal, submitting to the fleshly instinct of fear and self-preservation rather than to the authority of God? Jesus may have “cast out” demons, but he never asked his Father to abuse them, or bind them up for judgment. Judgment will happen, but not till the end times. If God’s mighty angels have not the authority to rebuke demons, then who are we to think we have that authority? We view our physical circumstances, and they are unpleasant to us. Thus, we conclude, this must not be God’s will. We make assumptions about the spiritual realm, a realm unseen to us, a realm often misunderstood, based on our physical circumstances. Was not the book of Job a warning to us not to make too many presumptions about God’s intentions when circumstances don’t go our way?

As the words of Scripture hit home in my heart, I put the Bible down and spent the rest of that Sunday morning on my hands and knees in deep contrition, begging God for forgiveness, within the church’s private chapel.

SEEK MEDICAL ADVICE

I advise anyone to first check for medical reasons for why your anxiety may be worse than usual. Sometimes it can be as simple as a side effect of a new drug you’re taking, or low vitamin D levels. Check your medications for side effects. Then, go to your doctor and ask for a complete physical and lab work up.

In my case, things got worse before they got better. My nurse practitioner, who thought I had lost my mind, prescribed an antidepressant that only made my panic attacks worse (I didn’t think that was even possible). After that, there were other setbacks when it came to medications. I was once given an antipsychotic medicine. I refused to take it. I was suffering anxiety, not delusions. I wasn’t hallucinating. I was just… scared. Scared out of my mind, yes. But it was a nameless fear.

I begged my nurse practitioner to check me for signs of pre-menopause. I told her my family history, that both my mother and grandmother suffered greatly from severe episodes of anxiety, depression, and emotional instability in their forties due to perimenopause. My mother’s symptoms were relieved somewhat by hormone replacement therapy, but such treatments didn’t exist during my grandmother’s lifetime. She became suicidal and was placed in a psychiatric treatment center for five years. My mother said though, at the time of my grandmother’s release, it was as if nothing had happened. My grandmother appeared perfectly sane. Could it be that I was suffering from the same fate? My nurse practitioner already thought I was off my nut. She flatly told me that she doesn’t prescribe hormones as a treatment for anxiety. After I kept pressing the subject, she finally prescribed something, but it wasn’t what I had asked for. I had done the research: medical trials showed that the use of synthetic hormones do not alleviate symptoms of sleeplessness and anxiety. Only the real stuff will provide any benefit.

I learned that being your own advocate can be an especially daunting task when your anxiety is already spinning out of control. No one takes you seriously. Everyone thinks you’re over-reacting or a hypochondriac when all you’re trying to do is to seek help. And answers.

But I kept persisting. I found out you can order your own lab work. So, I did that. And the results showed my progesterone had plummeted to zero. No wonder I wasn’t sleeping! I then made an appointment with a gynecologist. I sent a lengthy message to the doctor explaining my situation, begging for a compassionate doctor to put me on hormone replacement therapy.

SEEK COUNSELING

In the meantime, I also sought counseling. The first time I saw a therapist for my anxiety, he told me he felt what I needed was grace. “If grace could be put in a pill form, I’d prescribe it to you,” he said. “You need to give yourself grace. One pill every morning.” At the time, I thought the notion was ridiculous. How could a lack of giving myself grace be my problem? Surely, there’s more to what I was experiencing than that! How could it be that simple? I was never taught to love myself. That just sounded narcissistic. Why would I want to be a narcissist? I sought several other therapists after that. Eventually, I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety. A couple years later, I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD. Personally, the CPTSD probably fits my symptoms better than any other diagnosis.

BEWARE OF ADDICTIVE PRESCRIPTION DRUGS

Medically speaking, what finally brought the panic attacks to a halt was Clonazepam, but I don’t recommend anyone use this drug on a regular basis. It worked great, but I should have stopped using it as soon as the panic attacks stopped. Think of it this way: why take Excedrin if you don’t have a migraine? Or NyQuil when you don’t have a cold? Medications are great when they are used responsibly, if they are taken as needed. Unfortunately, I wasn’t forewarned about the dangers of taking Clonazepam on a daily basis. The stuff is highly addictive. While it did bring the panic and anxiety symptoms to a halt, and I am thankful for that, I deeply regret that I had not been forewarned by my doctors of the dangers of continuous use. If I had, I would have been more cautious.

Don’t get me wrong, sometimes medication is necessary. I was so grateful when a doctor finally recommended Clonazepam and Ambien to take at night. I finally slept straight through for the first time in months, after taking them together that first night. After five nights of good sleep, I got off the Ambien right away (I already knew that stuff could be addictive) but I stuck with the Clonazepam. To be honest, I was scared. I was scared of that spiral of anxiety coming back again. I thought the drug would prevent that from happening. But the downside of addiction ended up being far worse.

During those two years I was on Clonazepam, I was oblivious. However, I was wise enough to know that drugs alone were not the cure to my problems. There was something deeply psychological going on and I needed to get to the bottom of it.

SELF-COMPASSION

I went to three or four therapists / psychiatrists, but I kept going back to one in particular. The same one who had prescribed “grace” as my cure. He is not a psychiatrist. He is not a psychologist. He’s a Christian therapist. And I eventually came to the realization that he had far better insight into my problems than I had originally gave him credit for. Probably the greatest lesson I learned from him was self-compassion.

My parents were never very emotionally sensitive. They were never very sensitive to our emotional needs. Their needs always came first. Even worse, they’d yell, scream, falsely accuse, or give the silent treatment, without ever stating why they were upset with us, which would lead us all into a state of confusion and hurt. As a result, I never thought my own feelings mattered. It seemed my parents always got the last word and say on everything, and this was true even when I became an adult. Their happiness was more important than mine. As an adult, I learned to accept it. I knew my place, and I knew not to trust them even when they were nice; I knew it wasn’t out of the goodness of their heart. Maybe it was guilt. Or maybe they are buttering me up because they want something from me. But it never felt unconditional.

I adapted by ignoring or suppressing my feelings. It wasn’t worth expressing them anyway. What was the point? But after 40 years of suppressing my emotions, everything started bubbling up all at once. All the hurt, fear, betrayal, anger, abandonment, frustration, and despair pushed upward, demanding an audience, demanding to be heard.

UNLOAD BAGGAGE OF SHAME

One of the first things I had to do was to let go of any shame I felt for having these emotions. For one thing, I wasn’t terribly proud of all the anger I had bottled up over the years. I wasn’t proud of it, and I had let shame push all that down. I had to let go of my embarrassment and shame and just confess to God just how desperate my state had become. I got on my hands and knees and asked God for emotional healing. And I started to open up to others, too. I asked for prayers from my Christian friends.

LET GO OF CONTROL

The next thing I had to do was to let go of control. I couldn’t control this thing. I had to accept that maybe God was allowing me to go through all this for a reason. I held on to the hope that God would heal my brokenness. I couldn’t do it myself.

GIVE EMOTIONS PERMISSION TO EXIST

Then, I had to learn how to give my emotions permission to exist. That may sound silly, but it really isn’t, not when your instinct had always been to suppress them. I had to also learn to give each emotion self-expression. I had to learn that it’s okay to cry, scream, sob, or wail loudly whenever I feel emotionally overwhelmed. These are all perfectly normal and natural ways for the human body to release pent up emotional tension. It costs nothing and there’s no side effects. I marvel at babies because they do it so naturally. Have you ever watched an infant scream when it’s upset? Its face contorts in frustration, it’s hands ball into fists, and it lets out short bursts of screams over and over again while tears run down it’s face. And I learned to do just that. To cry and wail like a baby. And it was a wonderful release!

NAME YOUR EMOTIONS

Another thing that may sound strange is that I had to learn how to identify my own emotions. When you’ve experienced your whole life without giving much regard to your own feelings, you tend to get “out of touch” with your own emotions. I would sense a gnawing feeling in my gut, a tightness in my shoulders, a restlessness in my sleep, but I would not be able to identify how I felt except to describe it as a generalized feeling of “anxiety” or “stress”. So, I started to ask myself this question, whenever I felt “stressed” and losing sleep: what am I feeling right now, right this minute? What word best describes my emotional state of mind? Is it anger? Hurt? Fear? Maybe it’s something I’m embarrassed to admit to myself. Do I feel envy? Jealousy? Guilt? It may sound bizarre, but I never asked myself those questions before! But once I started to do so, the easier the task became. And the more I became in touch with my own feelings and gave them a voice, the less scary those feelings became. I gave those feelings permission to simply… BE. In fact, it was often a relief just to identify what I was feeling!

Now, healing didn’t come right away! There were times I cried for hours before I was able to stop. I had so much hurt inside, it’s impossible to describe. There were some days I felt as if I was drowning. As the waves crashed, I’d write down my thoughts via journal writing. Writing down my feelings gave them a voice.

In this way, I endured many sleepless nights. I gave myself permission to grieve over the lost relationships I had with my parents, to grieve over the pain of abandonment. But the more I let my emotions come to the surface, and let the feelings pour out in tears of sorrow, the less intense the waves of emotions became. And the less scary they were when they came back.

THE PAIN IS JUST A MEMORY

One thing that made life very difficult during this time was that I kept feeling as if I was reliving the past, over and over again, and that was disorienting. It took the joy out of life. It took the joy out of being in the moment and enjoying myself with friends or going out and doing something fun. When the waves of emotional trauma threatened to return during moments like these, I had to remind myself that these waves are memories only. I’d acknowledge the hurt and pain by reminding myself that yes, it was a terrible time in my life, and it did hurt badly, but it’s okay now. I’m okay now. I’m safe.

Having compassion on myself to acknowledge and sympathize with the hurt that was done to me, while gently reminding myself that it’s in the past now, that this is just a bad memory, a memory of something terrible, yes, but a memory nonetheless, has helped me heal from the past, and leave it there.

DO NOT FRET OVER TRIGGERS

Which brings me to the issue of triggers. Triggers happen when the present and the past collide. It’s when an event in the present stirs up unresolved emotional turmoil from the past. They say it’s important to know your triggers. I say, that’s hogwash. A lot of times, you don’t even know what sent your emotions spinning, and when they do start to spin downward towards that bottomless pit, you don’t care what got you there – you’re just trying to find your way out! Don’t worry about what got you all spun up. In my case, it’s usually something really stupid or dumb. Something I had no control over. Something I took waaay too personally. That sort of thing. Don’t fret over the triggers. Just know what to do when those triggers are pushed. Just know what to do when you sense you’re starting to fall down that spiral again. If you spend your whole life avoiding triggers, you’ll never learn to enjoy life. You’ll never learn that those triggers aren’t dangerous. They are not a threat to you. The problem is that you have real hurt, real pain inside. And you had every reason to feel threatened. But that was in the past. It’s all a memory now. And you haven’t given yourself permission to grieve.

GRIEVE OVER PAST PAIN

Grieving takes time. And it cycles in stages. There will be days you wonder if you are truly getting better. But let me tell you, just a few months ago, I wouldn’t have been able to write about my anxiety as I am doing now. It would have felt way too difficult, too personal. It has taken years for me to get this far in the healing process.

SELF-COMPASSION DURING ADDICTION RECOVERY

One further note on Clonazepam… When it was first prescribed, I took 1 mg. After about a year, I did some research on the drug. It was then I became concerned. I asked my doctor to drop the dosage. So, it was reduced to 0.5 mg. After another year, I decided to get off it altogether. But everything I read about the drug said it is very, very difficult to get completely off of. Doctors unfortunately are no help in this area. After doing some online research, it was suggested to reduce dosage by one-eighth every week until you are off the drug. If you start to feel withdrawals, up the dosage again by one-eighth for another week before reducing again.

Well, it should have taken about a couple months, but instead, it took me six to eight months to get off of it. My doctor was convinced I wasn’t addicted, but the terrifying withdrawal symptoms I experienced proved that theory wrong. The hurricane of terrifying emotions returned. It was a terrible storm at every turn. And, sadly, I retreated back to old habits, trying desperately to suppress it all. I put on a smile even while a storm of sadness, pain, fear, anger, shame, and sorrow blazed and thundered inside me. It was awful! But that wasn’t the worst of it. After getting off the Clonazepam, it is tempting to rejoice. It is tempting to pat yourself on the back and say, gosh, that was awful, but it’s done, it’s over now! I did it! The drug has no effect on me anymore!

Not. The drug rewires the brain, and it can take up to a year or more for that rewiring to be undone. I caution anyone attempting to get off of Clonazepam or any similar drug – watch out! Take a very long sabbatical. At least a year. Remove all news, social media, or anything else that may stimulate anxiety. And I mean that! Your brain will not be able to handle much of any form of anxiety once you are off the drug because the drug wires your brain to be dependent on it to cushion any stressors. Remove the drug, and your brain is helpless to handle anything at all. At this point, it will be highly tempting to get back on the drug, even several months later, but whatever dosage you were once on, simply won’t do the trick anymore. In order to have the same effect as before, you will have to take at least twice as much, and that will only rewire your brain even further!

I wish I had known all of this! A few months after getting completely off the drug, I had the worst panic attack ever, that nearly spun me over a cliff. I became suicidal – something that had never happened to me in my life! I was hospitalized for nine days. It had been extremely tempting to get back on the drug, but fortunately my psychiatrist was very mindful of the ill consequences that would bring. He put me on something else to take the edge off, but that’s all it did. I felt like I was reliving 2019 all over again.

SELF-COMPASSION DURING RELAPSE / RECOVERY

As it happened, it wasn’t really that bad. But I felt I really did have to relearn everything I had been doing in therapy. I had to relearn self-compassion. I had to relearn these new habits; not on a drugged up brain, but on a sober brain, a recovering brain. I had to learn how to show grace to a brain that was now recovering from addiction. It wasn’t easy.

SELF-CONDEMNATION IS A TERRIBLE THING

FORGIVE YOURSELF

One of the most surprising things that happened in 2019 while I was at my worst, before I ever saw a doctor or therapist, while lying helplessly on the couch wondering when the storm of anxiety would end, was a vision or dream I experienced of Jesus’ nail-pierced hands, and words gently spoken to me: “Forgive yourself,” said the voice. I honestly didn’t know at the time what the vision or dream meant. But it didn’t seem to be something I would have foolishly imagined. Also, my therapist later agreed whole-heartedly that I was being way too hard on myself. I wasn’t giving myself grace. I wasn’t giving my emotions permission to just be what they are. I was constantly beating myself up over stupid stuff, sometimes even to the point of self-sabotage. I began to believe that perhaps Jesus was offering this statement not as a suggestion, but as a command, and not for just the moment, or for things that happened in the past, but as a way of life. Forgive yourself. Don’t beat yourself up. Forgive yourself because Christ has already forgiven you. Forgive yourself because all your sins and failures have already been nailed to the Cross. Live in freedom. Live in joy. Don’t use any reason or excuse to heap unnecessary shame on your back.

BE EMOTIONALLY VULNERABLE BEFORE GOD IN PRAYER

As I went through counseling, I prayed like I never had prayed before, being gut-wrenchingly vulnerable before God, as in the book of Psalms. I learned that God is close to the brokenhearted, that he listens when we pour out our hearts to him, that he counts our tears of sorrow. The tears we shed at night, he remembers, and will bring healing and joy in the morning. During moments in which I felt so overwhelmed I didn’t know how to pray, I’d ask Jesus to intercede on my behalf. “You know what I need,” I’d pray. “You know better than I do what I need. Pray and intercede with the Father for me, on my behalf.”

MAKE A MENTAL HEALTH CHECKLIST

On a practical level, I wrote my own “mental health checklist”. I realized I had never made my mental and emotional well-being much of a priority. So, the mental health checklist is used as tool for myself to check if I’ve slipped back into bad habits, like obsessing too much over the past, or being too negative or hard on myself, or repeating the same lies to myself. I read it daily to remind myself of these bad habits to avoid, and how to change direction if I’m slipping. I have to do this as a means of “reprogramming” my mind to learn new habits and thought patterns. Forty years of poor programming is a lot to overcome! I have had to learn to be patient with myself. Impatience will only make matters worse.

BEFORE BEDTIME ROUTINE

Another tool I’ve used is a night time routine to relax the mind. For a year or more I’d turn on some classical music and color until I felt sleepy. If I felt particularly anxious, I’d read the Bible or devotional and pray, pouring my heart out to God, and laying my anxieties at his feet. Basically, I’d do whatever I needed to do to “let go” and feel less anxious before heading off to bed. This helped me greatly, as the worst of my anxiety always seemed to occur at night.

LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL

Last year was the first time I felt like a normal human being again. We even went on an international trip, a vacation to Ireland and Scotland. What a trip!

At the moment, I don’t take any medications, except on an as needed basis. I read my mental health checklist daily, and see my therapist every other week or so.

It has been a long road, but God finally brought me out of the pit, and out into the light again! Praise God! I am finally able to enjoy being in the present. I no longer feel as if I’m stuck in the past. I no longer feel the sense of dread that I once did when the feelings of trauma get triggered. It is there, but it no longer wallops me, or threaten to sink me under. God has been good. He has never left my side. It has taken a long time, but God has been faithful. He is slowly healing my mind and spirit, and has taken me out of the pit, so I can enjoy life again!

May God shine his light on you today!

I hope my story may in some way benefit someone out there. Perhaps some of you might relate to my story.

What is your story in your battle against anxiety?

Homosexuality: Sin Or Not?

Much is being said about the United Methodist Church General Conference. The bigger question is why has the issue of homosexuality become a divisive one for the church?

First, some background should be noted on the social change that has occurred in the United States over the last thirty years.

I grew up in the 80’s. At the time, AIDS was a nameless untreatable pestilence that was rampantly spreading among gay men. To be afflicted with the disease meant certain death. Scientists and medical professionals tried to sound an alarm. They tried to push for government grants to investigate the disease. Time after time their requests were denied. They were denied when government officials were told that the only people coming down with the disease were gay men. The only reason why the grants were finally approved is because one scientist warned that it was inevitable that the disease would eventually spread to heterosexuals too. That scientist went on to discover the HIV virus and finally gave the disease a name – AIDS.

At that time, gays were social pariahs. They were not talked about within social circles. They were not represented on TV or in movies. Gays in general were treated as if they didn’t exist. They just weren’t talked about at all.

But as time went on, the media started to shine a light on the AIDS epidemic, and in doing so, they also shone a light on the gay victims of the disease. As they documented the afflictions of AIDS patients, they couldn’t help but notice other forms of suffering these men were already going through. If an AIDS patient was rendered incapable of caring for himself and had a life partner, that partner had no legal say on his lover’s medical care. Hospitals had no other legal choice but to call the closest living relatives, who, more often than not, had disowned that person years or even decades before because of the man’s gay lifestyle. Well-meaning relatives didn’t have a clue on knowing what the patient’s best interests might be; at the same time, they were often completely closed to what the patient’s partner would suggest.

The whole situation seemed grossly unfair. If a homosexual man is too ill to make decisions on his own, shouldn’t his partner have a say in his treatment and care? A gay man’s partner was often also his best friend, someone who would know more intimately than anyone else what would be in the best interests of his sick lover. There seemed to be a loophole in the law, a situation the law never considered. Meanwhile, heartless family members, who could care less about the person afflicted with the disease, were making all the decisions.

I remember watching such profiles and feeling a sense of compassion and sympathy for these men. It was hard not to feel for them.

And yet, there were plenty of other Christians I knew that didn’t have that compassion. It is shameful to say it, but I remember hearing Christians making statements that implied homosexuals were “getting what they deserve” as if God were punishing them for their homosexual lifestyles.

I remember feeling greatly disturbed by these statements. As Christians, we believe every person is a sinner, and therefore, deserving of death and eternal punishment. But because of God’s great love, He chooses not to punish us. If God’s love is great enough to cover our sins and remove from us the punishment we deserve, then why should it not be great enough to cover the sins of others? God takes no joy in our sufferings. Neither should we take any measure of satisfaction in the suffering of others, regardless of what sins we believe they’ve committed.

And thus the social conscious of both secular and social thought began to change. However, change did not happen without a decent amount of friction. As more and more gay men and women started coming out of the closet, there were equally a number of stories of outright hatred against homosexuals. Even worse, were the hate mail sent to some openly gay individuals who claimed to be Christian.

Some good came out of the change. Christians now I think understand where they went wrong. They had used Scripture as an excuse to oppress a particular subgroup of individuals, much as they had to blacks, women, Jews, and others. They had treated homosexuals as if they were less than human, not worthy of the same rights as others. Even worse, they had seen them as committing a vile sin that, at least in their eyes, is somehow greater than everyone else’s, and beyond redemption.

Scripture used in this sense is ALWAYS wrong! We should NEVER use Scripture to justify hate or oppression.

And while all this may be true, does that necessarily mean we should condone homosexual sex acts? If you believe homosexual sex acts are sinful, then no, we cannot. To marry a homosexual couple would be like wedding any other couple in which sex is flatly forbidden, such as marrying two of close relations: a man and his daughter; a brother and his aunt; etc. But if you believe homosexual sex acts aren’t sinful, then marriage and pastoral ordination should be accepted.

And this goes to the crux of the matter: Is homosexuality a sin?

There are those who believe strongly that, yes, it is a sin. This view has a lot of biblical backing. There are at least 6 different verses within Scripture that mention homosexual acts, and all of them condemn these acts as sin. In all cases in which marriage is described, it is always in the context of a union between a man and a woman. Keep in mind, too, these verses are found in both the Old and New Testaments. In the only Scripture in which sexual desire is intimately described, in the Song of Solomon, it is described in the context of the passion between a man and a woman. God also commanded in the Old Testament that mankind should “be fruitful and multiply”, something that cannot be achieved naturally through homosexual partnerships. These facts cannot be denied. It seems clear taking all these verses together that God intended sexual partnerships to exist solely within the context of marriage between a man and a woman, not just for sexual intimacy, but for the purposes of procreation.

But wait! This seems unfair. Why should a monogamous homosexual partnership, committed to mutual fidelity, be considered “bad” and a heterosexual one be considered “good”? Why would God view one partnership as “sin” and the other not sin? If God is just, this seems very unjust. If each dedicated partner also confesses Christ, what difference does it make?

Well, you have to admit, there are an endless number of human relationships in which it would be very inappropriate to add sex into the mix. Leviticus 18 lists numerous laws that define sexual immorality, not just for the people of the Old Covenant, but for modern society. I think most people of modern secular society would agree that sex between a brother and a sister is wrong, or between a father and his daughter, or a man and his mother, or a man and an animal. Wedged within the mix of what much of modern society would mutually agree as morally repugnant sins is this one: “Do not have sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman; that is detestable.” Hmm. Well. Considering this, we must consider also the question: why would such an act be viewed as “detestable”? More to the point, considering these were laws directly passed down by God Himself, why would GOD view such an act “detestable”?

Here is a possible explanation, or at least one I’ve heard mentioned by some: The Old Testament contained many laws about cleanliness. Many of these laws are no longer considered relevant to the New Covenant. For instance, the Old Testament law forbidding the consumption of meats from certain animals because of their uncleanliness was superseded by Saint Peter’s vision in which God declared all living things within His creation as clean. Jesus Himself was often criticized by the Pharisees for hanging out with “sinners”, or those deemed too “unclean” to socialize with because of their sins. Jesus also approached, touched, and also healed lepers and those ostracized because of the “uncleanliness” of their disease. He also criticized the Pharisees for being “white washed tombs” who ardently followed the laws of outward cleanliness while possessing hearts that were either cold or dead. Taking all these things together, as followers of Christ and the New Covenant, “cleanliness” laws no longer seem to have any relevance. And so, it is perhaps possible that the Levitical law forbidding sex between two men was placed there because such relations were deemed as unclean.

This would be a valid argument if it weren’t for the passages in the New Testament that also condemn homosexual relations. Romans 1:24-27 describes an undeniably harsh and damning view of those enslaved by sexual lust, especially lusts involving homosexual relations. Of course, one has to also consider the context of these passages. Saint Paul had visited places that literally worshipped the Greek goddess of love, and who practiced such “worship” with all forms of prostitution and sexual depravity. It is very likely that many of these individuals became also victims of sexually transmitted diseases. This would engender disgust in any morally conscious individual. It is why Saint Paul so ardently implored new believers to honor their bodies as holy temples of the Spirit of God by living free from all sexual impurity.

Also, as a Pharisee and one knowledgeable in Levitical law, he would naturally consider also homosexual relations as sexually immoral. That may be true, but he nullifies the argument that his aversion to homosexuality had anything to do with cleanliness. He claims those who engage in homosexual relations have “exchanged natural relations with unnatural ones.” Hmm. Okay. Let us ponder on this one for a bit. What could he mean by that?

Homosexual partnerships, by their very nature, cannot procreate. It is undeniable that human beings would not have been able to procreate since the days of Adam and Eve if not for the benefit of heterosexual relations in conceiving children. Remember the words of the Old Testament – be fruitful and multiply. Women were honored by the number of children they conceived. Test tube babies aside, it would be biologically impossible for the human race to survive into a new generation if everyone were homosexual. By “natural relations” Saint Paul could be literally meaning “of nature”, or consistent with Creation, gender roles, and our biological need to procreate.

The language Saint Paul uses implies that indulging in homosexual relations is a choice. But there are those who argue that homosexuals are “born that way” – that is, there is something inborn in their biology that causes them to lust after those of their own gender. Let us then consider this view. If it is inborn, what would that look like? If human biology was designed by God in part for procreation, why would “nature” allow for homosexual relations? If it did, it would be considered a biological abnormality, since what is biologically normal require relations that encourage the natural conception of human life. This would also imply that homosexual behavior is the result of some kind of biological flaw. But I don’t see too many people advocating that. If it were considered a defect, why aren’t doctors trying to find a cure?

Perhaps there are those who consider it a biological abnormality, but a harmless one.

If you had watched television during the 80s and 90s, you would have seen the stories, the various stories of men who felt forced by society into leading double lives, one devoted to their wives, and another life, hidden from their families, in which they let loose their secret homosexual urges in closeted affairs with men. We who lived during that time frame would have seen them all on TV – both in fiction and in documentaries – of how families were destroyed once they find out the truth. It forced people to wonder that perhaps such men would have been better off in an openly gay monogamous relationship, a relationship that would be both sexually satisfying and without the hypocrisy.

I agree that such men would be happier, and heterosexual women would also better off by simply knowing which men are not worth investing their time in.

The Bible does say, that if two people can’t control their urges, they should marry, lest they burn with passion. So, if two men burn with passion for one another, why should they not marry?

Our U.S. Constitution states that everyone has the right to “the pursuit of happiness.” If having the right to marry makes homosexuals happy, why is that a bad thing? And doesn’t this bring equality to both heterosexual and homosexual couples?

From a legal standpoint, and a constitutional standpoint, there can be no argument made that would justify denying homosexuals of the same rights and privileges of heterosexual couples. Like I mentioned earlier, the denial of rights to homosexual partners came at a great cost during the AIDS epidemic. Regardless of how you feel about such partnerships, we have a social and moral responsibility to provide these individuals the same respect as human beings and citizens of this country.

But while I may have compassion on them in that respect, I am unconvinced that it is not a sin.

While people who prefer like-gender relations would certainly be happier in a physical and emotional sense, does that earthly happiness necessarily mean that God approves of such unions? Saint Paul indicates that God will “give over” those who seek sexual relations with those of their own gender. That is, God will not stop them. He will do nothing to prevent them from pursuing and indulging their lusts. In fact, He will hand them over to be enslaved by them. If they become enslaved, they can have no part with God.

Is this the doom we want homosexuals to endure? Do we want homosexuals to be doomed to an eternity apart from God? As Christians, do we not value and esteem our relationship with God over any other relationship? Isn’t it better to be miserable in this life by denying ourselves of certain earthly pleasures for the sake of an eternity with our Lord? Or are we being unreasonably harsh, unfair, and unrealistic to expect homosexuals to be celibate for the sake of our Lord? You might as well also say Jesus was being unrealistic, unreasonable, and unfair when He tells us to love our enemies, bless those who curse you, turn the other cheek, to give a thief your cloak after he just stole from you another one. (I am of the belief that to love as Jesus asks us to love can only be achieved with the power of the Holy Spirit. Apart from the Holy Spirit, we cannot genuinely love our enemies.)

To truly dedicate oneself to God, you must rely on the Holy Spirit. Without Him, we can do nothing.

Do not members of Alcoholics Anonymous seek the strength of a Higher Power to overcome their addictions? And aren’t such programs been proven successful in breaking people’s addictions, including those who may have a biologically genetic disposition towards addictive behaviors (born that way)? Do not “sinners” everywhere seek the empowerment of the Holy Spirit to let go and overcome their sinful weaknesses? Do we believe God can empower a person to overcome even sexual behaviors that are deemed displeasing to God? Or is our faith too weak to believe such a thing can happen? Or do we believe that, because a person slips again and again into indulging his sexual desires, that he must be “beyond hope” of ever changing? Do we then, at that point, when faced with the reality that the person may never change, decide we must have been in the wrong for encouraging that person to change in the first place? God forbid we adjust our thinking on what is right and what is wrong based on the difficulty a person endures in trying to adjust their lifestyle to that change! While we may have compassion and great mercy on that person as they go through that adjustment of realigning their lives according to what Christ would desire of them, we must still point out their wrong, but in a loving way that still builds them up with the courage to press on. No one said removing sinful desires from our lives would be easy! It’s a lifelong process.

Jesus makes it clear – we cannot love anything or anyone more than Himself. We cannot love any human relationship, even with our spouse, our children, our friends, above that of our relationship with Him. If we pursue any relationship at the risk of losing our relationship with God, then we are in trouble. We are playing with fire. It is one thing to sin and stumble from time to time. It is quite another to become enslaved and addicted to a relationship God does not approve of.