romans838, Author at Christian Spiritual Insights

Being Humbled By God’s Infinite Love and Grace In the Midst of Hardship and Tragedy

The author reflects on a recent cancer diagnosis while finding inspiration in a church member, Rachel, who remains joyful despite her own terminal condition. This leads to a contemplation of faith, gratitude, and God’s blessings throughout life, emphasizing the importance of service and recognizing miracles, big and small, within one’s own experiences.

Less than a week ago, I was given a diagnosis of cancer. I will spare you the details. Suffice to say, the diagnosis is preliminary. That is, there’s still no information on whether it’s spread or not. Maybe it has, maybe it hasn’t. Best case scenario, the doctors will be able to surgically remove the effected area and that will be the end of the story. The worst case scenario, I will be on my heavenly journey home a lot sooner than I had expected.

Which has led me to think over my life, and whether or not I’d live my life differently if I knew I had only a few days left to live. What would I do? How would I do things differently? What legacy would I want to leave behind?

There’s a woman at our church who has suffered from cancer for many years. I’ll call her Rachel. That’s not her real name, but I use an alias to preserve her privacy. Anyway, Rachel is quite literally a walking miracle. All her doctors tell her, “it will be any day now”. There is nothing they can do. She is on nothing but pain medications, the strongest her doctors are allowed to give her. And yet, she’s as happy and content as can be. She always attends church. She always has a smile. She’s at Bible Study every Wednesday and even cooks meals for people who are on the prayer list. And she’s dying. To be honest, I would never have known she was dying except someone told me about it. For the last several weeks, she’s been attending church without her walker. She’s a little unsteady, but not dangerously so. And she’s completely alert and aware of her surroundings. She’s convinced God keeps her alive because He wants her to keep serving the church. In Bible Study, she talks about her heart “bursting” for love for God. She has such a heart for the Lord, and a heart of service, I’ve been praying for a miracle.

Just a week ago, my husband got an urgent message from her family and friends. They said they had trouble waking her, that when she woke up, she was only partially conscious, and that her breathing was very labored. Her blood pressure was also dangerously low. She hadn’t eaten much in days and had been having trouble swallowing. They urgently asked for a personal visit. The very next day, Rachel got up the next morning looking perfectly fine, busily going about making herself a pot of coffee. Her friends and family who were staying with her were in shock. “What are you doing?” they asked her. “I told you I’m not going to die until Tony gets here!” she reminded them (Tony is our head pastor). I had to chuckle when I heard this! I can imagine Rachel saying those words.

Well, Tony couldn’t visit till three days later. And she was still around to receive him. And she’s still alive and kicking as I write this. In fact, she attended church yesterday, just as she usually does. She keeps holding on, still smiling, still serving, whenever she can. In fact, last week she asked ME if I wouldn’t mind if she made a meal for me while I recovered from my recent surgical cancer biopsy procedure. I was humbled!

The kingdom of God includes women like Rachel. People who love the Lord and love to serve Him. And their hearts are so full of His love and Spirit, that nothing in this world matters. As long as we have life and breath, and bodies that move and speak and can perform acts of charity, we are of use to God.

I’ve been reading a lot of the book of Psalms. Many chapters talk about praising God for His good works, for His renown, to magnify His Name and majesty. So, I thought to myself. What has God been doing? What good works has God been up to lately? What magnificent deeds has God performed?

God is always at work. It’s just that we don’t always see it.

In my own life, I see myself as another “walking miracle”.

At six years old, I was diagnosed with iritis (inflammation of the iris of the eye). From that day till I was about sixteen, I suffered many bouts of “pink eye”. The inflammation was unusually chronic. A reduction in topical steroidal eye drops would always lead to another nasty inflammatory “flare”. Over time, this led to other complications: glaucoma, cataracts, corneal endothelial decomposition, and other issues. I remember as a young child, my pediatric ophthalmologist took my parents aside. He tried to prepare them for the worst, warning them that there was a very high risk that I could go blind eventually.

I wish I could tell you that my parents were sobered by my doctor’s words. I wish I could tell you they had turned their anguished hearts to God. I wish I could tell you that they responded by wrapping their arms around me and telling me that they loved me, that they’ll love me no matter what happens, and they’ll be by my side no matter what.

But none of those things happened. My doctor sought to reveal to my parents the sobering reality of the situation – and it completely backfired. To my parents, the prospect of their daughter going blind was frankly unacceptable. My sister vividly remembers our mother angrily responding with the adamant cry, “We are NOT going to let our daughter go blind!”

Notice the pronoun “we”. As if my mother or father could take the place of God and had any sway over the matter.

My parents went into complete “control mode”. They cleared their calendars and filled them up with all my doctor appointments. They took meticulous notes during each appointment. They charted my daily medicine schedules and followed them to the letter. They took complete responsibility of the matter, whether for good or for ill, as if by sheer will and determination alone, they could steer the outcome of a myriad of complex diseases in which there are no cures. But I never saw them take the matter to God. They believed in God – or so they claimed – but they didn’t seem to trust God enough to take care of the situation. Instead, they took the entire burden onto themselves, not trusting anyone else to help them, not other Christians, not in prayer, as if God himself had abandoned them, had left them with a burden they never asked for, a burden they resented, but a burden they were determined to take mastery over, to force the outcome into submission, one way or the other. The results were devastating, hardened hearts, demoralized spirits, emotional overload, and spiritual bankruptcy. No one from my family goes to church anymore. No one, that is, but me.

Why was I the sole receiver of God’s calling? The child in the middle of the mix, the one “cursed” with disease and hardship, who had no friends, no one who could relate to her inner sorrows and cares? How is it I was able to “see” what the rest of my family failed to notice: I saw God’s blessings everywhere. Every time I had a successful surgery, I inwardly praised God. Every time I went to the doctor expecting bad news and received good news instead, I praised God. I praised God that I was able to go to school. I never had to learn Braille. And I got straight A’s. I praised God each time I got behind the wheel and was able to drive. I knew one day I might not see well enough to drive anymore.

And I praised God for my church and my church family. I praised God for my Christian friends, of whom I’d meet at school. I praised God for those who showed the love of God, in kindness, in grace, in charity, in generosity, in joy, in service to others. I praised God inwardly, like Mary who “pondered all these things in her heart”. That was me. I pondered them in my heart. I marveled at God’s goodness that was all around me despite my circumstances. And I marveled at my Savior, my Redeemer, my Healer, my Defender, my Friend. I marveled at Jesus’ willingness to die for a lowly half-blind, half-crippled, shrivel-handed, uncoordinated, tone-deaf worm, such as myself. What was Jesus thinking???

And then I remember Jesus’ prayer. He prayed aloud that it pleased His Father to impart His wisdom unto little children and not to the scribes and Pharisees. In other words, it pleased His Father to call those unto Himself who the world despises and assumes are too “naive” or “stupid” or “weak” or “afflicted” or “infirm” to be called or used by His kingdom. Why did it please His Father to do this? Jesus said it was to shame the proud.

Some years ago, my husband and I were visited by relatives who are very proud. My husband and I were doing very well for ourselves. We were happy. We talked to them about our vacations, our plans for the new home we bought, etc. We told them our hopes and dreams and happiness. We thought nothing of it at the time, but sometime later, I found out they had spread false rumors behind our backs, of how rudely we had treated them. It made no sense. It’s not like we were bragging or anything. We were just… happy. What’s wrong with that? But then I was reminded that that is just what proud people do. They resent it when people they view as “undeserving” are happier and better off than themselves.

And God has been good. He has been VERY good. He has been faithful. He has blessed me with more than I had ever asked for!

More than four decades after my first diagnosis of serious eye disease, I still have my sight! Even more, I can see better now than I have in twenty years. I’ve had fourteen eye surgeries and have seen probably at least a hundred or more ophthalmologists in my lifetime.

And I thank God every day that I can see! That I can see at all is a wonder and a grace-filled blessing from God! Did any of my ophthalmologists who examined me as a child predict that I’d still have my vision at my age (I am now 50)? I seriously doubt it! It’s not exactly a “miracle” as miracles are demonstrated by Jesus in the Bible (Jesus healed a man born blind – an unexplainable and undeniably supernatural occurrence). But at minimum it is a HUGE unexpected blessing that I can appreciate each and every day.

What other wonders do I see?

What wonders do you see? Surely, God’s wonders are all around us.

Share your stories of God’s wonders at christfollower376@yahoo.com

What I’ve Learned From My Anxiety – One Christian’s Point of View

I have suffered bouts of anxiety / depression off and on all my life. In 2019, I suffered the worst episode in my life. My emotions jumped from fear, anger, shame, helplessness, sorrow, worthlessness, despair, and back again. It was a constant spinning spiral, like being in a hurricane. I felt helpless as all these crazy emotions seemed to rage within me. It was distracting. I couldn’t concentrate. I couldn’t get anything done. I had a hard time staying in the moment. I felt like my mind was being plunged into another place and time. A time that was frightening. Terrifying. But someplace oddly familiar, like I’ve felt this way before. I’ve been in this pit before, but I couldn’t remember exactly when or how.

Pulling myself out of the pit was impossible. The anxiety ran so high, the fight or flight switch got turned on. I’d try to watch something funny on television, but it was like trying to concentrate on a comedy show while your being crushed with dread. Like trying to laugh while bombs are dropping and exploding all around you, and any moment you could get hit and blown to pieces.

That’s how I felt, anyway, for what it’s worth, even while my analytical brain kept trying to convince me that I was perfectly safe, that there was no real danger. Clearly, there was a disconnect between what I was thinking analytically and what I was feeling inside.

Part of the problem was that my analytical brain was getting impatient with my emotional side. My emotions felt out of control, and my analytical brain kept trying to stuff them all down. It kept fighting for control and nothing was working.

During this time, I read countless books on anxiety. I prayed constantly. I devoured Scripture. But in the end, I realized the more I tried to control my emotions, even as a spoke Scripture aloud, the worse things got. I suffered frequent panic attacks, day and night. I was lucky if I got more than an hour or two of sleep. My body was in high alert, 24/7. Every muscle in my body felt tense. I was running off of sheer adrenaline. My blood pressure began to soar.

One of the books I read during this season of my life was The Adversary by Mark Bubeck. The book spoke to me. After soaking in the book, I devoured more books on spiritual warfare. They all seemed to make sense. I read books on spiritual warfare praying. I bought the workbook on Preparing For Battle. I asked a friend about it. She referred me to a place I could call for a spiritual consultation. I was desperate. I knew I needed help. I called for an appointment and got scheduled with a prestigious expert on the subject, who, after I spent $75 for a 50 minute session of explaining my life story and the crushing state I was in, gave me an email with a bunch of advice and practical prayers to use. My husband and I took the man’s advice, but my condition worsened, and after my husband sent frantic emails to the consultant for help, the person finally did call back, not out of compassion or sympathy, but out of sheer annoyance. His contempt was evident in his tone of voice; he asked me no questions and gave me no chance to speak. He monopolized the entire conversation. I had to interrupt him to say anything at all, and the more I tried to say something, the more irritated he became and spoke over anything I had to say. It was evident he wanted to do all the talking, so I let him have his say. He told me my parents were “diabolical”, that I should never had volunteered for prison ministry, and ventured on a long tirade boasting of his own achievements. At the end of the phone call, he gave me a bunch of Bible verses to keep in mind, and that was it. The only positive thing he said was that my husband must really love me to be so persistent. I hung up the phone, my hands shaking. Here’s the irony: his tone of voice reminded me precisely of the “diabolical” tone my parents would use on me; that prideful contemptuous tone that doesn’t give a whit of the emotional wreckage you are in but tries to pretend to for pride’s sake. It is for this reason, and others, that I gave up on “spiritual warfare” ministries to save me. I came to the realization that I was “praying” for all the wrong reasons. You have to realize something: I was in fight or flight mode. It was like a switch had been turned on and I didn’t know how to turn it off. I was in hyped up adrenaline-rushed hypervigilant mode. Survival mode. I felt like I was fighting for my life. But I was fighting for… control. I wanted control over my emotions, control over my anxiety. I just wanted it all to stop. And when I prayed the prayers of “spiritual warfare”, it was like a placebo. It gave me the illusion of being in control even when I wasn’t. instead of giving the battle to God, I felt I had to be even more ready, more in control, more vigilant and prepared for the spiritual battle before me. And it was exhausting! But, when I look back on it, it was as if I didn’t really trust God to fight the battle for me.

One morning before church service, I opened a Bible randomly and read the verses that were there. And the verses jumped off the page. It was only then that I realized the dire error of my ways. I had always been uncomfortable with the prayers of “binding” spirits, but I had been so desperate at the time, I didn’t know what else to do. And the verses of 2 Peter 2:10-12 convicted my heart. Hadn’t I been foolish? Hadn’t I been acting like an animal, submitting to the fleshly instinct of fear and self-preservation rather than to the authority of God? Jesus may have “cast out” demons, but he never asked his Father to abuse them, or bind them up for judgment. Judgment will happen, but not till the end times. If God’s mighty angels have not the authority to rebuke demons, then who are we to think we have that authority? We view our physical circumstances, and they are unpleasant to us. Thus, we conclude, this must not be God’s will. We make assumptions about the spiritual realm, a realm unseen to us, a realm often misunderstood, based on our physical circumstances. Was not the book of Job a warning to us not to make too many presumptions about God’s intentions when circumstances don’t go our way?

As the words of Scripture hit home in my heart, I put the Bible down and spent the rest of that Sunday morning on my hands and knees in deep contrition, begging God for forgiveness, within the church’s private chapel.

SEEK MEDICAL ADVICE

I advise anyone to first check for medical reasons for why your anxiety may be worse than usual. Sometimes it can be as simple as a side effect of a new drug you’re taking, or low vitamin D levels. Check your medications for side effects. Then, go to your doctor and ask for a complete physical and lab work up.

In my case, things got worse before they got better. My nurse practitioner, who thought I had lost my mind, prescribed an antidepressant that only made my panic attacks worse (I didn’t think that was even possible). After that, there were other setbacks when it came to medications. I was once given an antipsychotic medicine. I refused to take it. I was suffering anxiety, not delusions. I wasn’t hallucinating. I was just… scared. Scared out of my mind, yes. But it was a nameless fear.

I begged my nurse practitioner to check me for signs of pre-menopause. I told her my family history, that both my mother and grandmother suffered greatly from severe episodes of anxiety, depression, and emotional instability in their forties due to perimenopause. My mother’s symptoms were relieved somewhat by hormone replacement therapy, but such treatments didn’t exist during my grandmother’s lifetime. She became suicidal and was placed in a psychiatric treatment center for five years. My mother said though, at the time of my grandmother’s release, it was as if nothing had happened. My grandmother appeared perfectly sane. Could it be that I was suffering from the same fate? My nurse practitioner already thought I was off my nut. She flatly told me that she doesn’t prescribe hormones as a treatment for anxiety. After I kept pressing the subject, she finally prescribed something, but it wasn’t what I had asked for. I had done the research: medical trials showed that the use of synthetic hormones do not alleviate symptoms of sleeplessness and anxiety. Only the real stuff will provide any benefit.

I learned that being your own advocate can be an especially daunting task when your anxiety is already spinning out of control. No one takes you seriously. Everyone thinks you’re over-reacting or a hypochondriac when all you’re trying to do is to seek help. And answers.

But I kept persisting. I found out you can order your own lab work. So, I did that. And the results showed my progesterone had plummeted to zero. No wonder I wasn’t sleeping! I then made an appointment with a gynecologist. I sent a lengthy message to the doctor explaining my situation, begging for a compassionate doctor to put me on hormone replacement therapy.

SEEK COUNSELING

In the meantime, I also sought counseling. The first time I saw a therapist for my anxiety, he told me he felt what I needed was grace. “If grace could be put in a pill form, I’d prescribe it to you,” he said. “You need to give yourself grace. One pill every morning.” At the time, I thought the notion was ridiculous. How could a lack of giving myself grace be my problem? Surely, there’s more to what I was experiencing than that! How could it be that simple? I was never taught to love myself. That just sounded narcissistic. Why would I want to be a narcissist? I sought several other therapists after that. Eventually, I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety. A couple years later, I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD. Personally, the CPTSD probably fits my symptoms better than any other diagnosis.

BEWARE OF ADDICTIVE PRESCRIPTION DRUGS

Medically speaking, what finally brought the panic attacks to a halt was Clonazepam, but I don’t recommend anyone use this drug on a regular basis. It worked great, but I should have stopped using it as soon as the panic attacks stopped. Think of it this way: why take Excedrin if you don’t have a migraine? Or NyQuil when you don’t have a cold? Medications are great when they are used responsibly, if they are taken as needed. Unfortunately, I wasn’t forewarned about the dangers of taking Clonazepam on a daily basis. The stuff is highly addictive. While it did bring the panic and anxiety symptoms to a halt, and I am thankful for that, I deeply regret that I had not been forewarned by my doctors of the dangers of continuous use. If I had, I would have been more cautious.

Don’t get me wrong, sometimes medication is necessary. I was so grateful when a doctor finally recommended Clonazepam and Ambien to take at night. I finally slept straight through for the first time in months, after taking them together that first night. After five nights of good sleep, I got off the Ambien right away (I already knew that stuff could be addictive) but I stuck with the Clonazepam. To be honest, I was scared. I was scared of that spiral of anxiety coming back again. I thought the drug would prevent that from happening. But the downside of addiction ended up being far worse.

During those two years I was on Clonazepam, I was oblivious. However, I was wise enough to know that drugs alone were not the cure to my problems. There was something deeply psychological going on and I needed to get to the bottom of it.

SELF-COMPASSION

I went to three or four therapists / psychiatrists, but I kept going back to one in particular. The same one who had prescribed “grace” as my cure. He is not a psychiatrist. He is not a psychologist. He’s a Christian therapist. And I eventually came to the realization that he had far better insight into my problems than I had originally gave him credit for. Probably the greatest lesson I learned from him was self-compassion.

My parents were never very emotionally sensitive. They were never very sensitive to our emotional needs. Their needs always came first. Even worse, they’d yell, scream, falsely accuse, or give the silent treatment, without ever stating why they were upset with us, which would lead us all into a state of confusion and hurt. As a result, I never thought my own feelings mattered. It seemed my parents always got the last word and say on everything, and this was true even when I became an adult. Their happiness was more important than mine. As an adult, I learned to accept it. I knew my place, and I knew not to trust them even when they were nice; I knew it wasn’t out of the goodness of their heart. Maybe it was guilt. Or maybe they are buttering me up because they want something from me. But it never felt unconditional.

I adapted by ignoring or suppressing my feelings. It wasn’t worth expressing them anyway. What was the point? But after 40 years of suppressing my emotions, everything started bubbling up all at once. All the hurt, fear, betrayal, anger, abandonment, frustration, and despair pushed upward, demanding an audience, demanding to be heard.

UNLOAD BAGGAGE OF SHAME

One of the first things I had to do was to let go of any shame I felt for having these emotions. For one thing, I wasn’t terribly proud of all the anger I had bottled up over the years. I wasn’t proud of it, and I had let shame push all that down. I had to let go of my embarrassment and shame and just confess to God just how desperate my state had become. I got on my hands and knees and asked God for emotional healing. And I started to open up to others, too. I asked for prayers from my Christian friends.

LET GO OF CONTROL

The next thing I had to do was to let go of control. I couldn’t control this thing. I had to accept that maybe God was allowing me to go through all this for a reason. I held on to the hope that God would heal my brokenness. I couldn’t do it myself.

GIVE EMOTIONS PERMISSION TO EXIST

Then, I had to learn how to give my emotions permission to exist. That may sound silly, but it really isn’t, not when your instinct had always been to suppress them. I had to also learn to give each emotion self-expression. I had to learn that it’s okay to cry, scream, sob, or wail loudly whenever I feel emotionally overwhelmed. These are all perfectly normal and natural ways for the human body to release pent up emotional tension. It costs nothing and there’s no side effects. I marvel at babies because they do it so naturally. Have you ever watched an infant scream when it’s upset? Its face contorts in frustration, it’s hands ball into fists, and it lets out short bursts of screams over and over again while tears run down it’s face. And I learned to do just that. To cry and wail like a baby. And it was a wonderful release!

NAME YOUR EMOTIONS

Another thing that may sound strange is that I had to learn how to identify my own emotions. When you’ve experienced your whole life without giving much regard to your own feelings, you tend to get “out of touch” with your own emotions. I would sense a gnawing feeling in my gut, a tightness in my shoulders, a restlessness in my sleep, but I would not be able to identify how I felt except to describe it as a generalized feeling of “anxiety” or “stress”. So, I started to ask myself this question, whenever I felt “stressed” and losing sleep: what am I feeling right now, right this minute? What word best describes my emotional state of mind? Is it anger? Hurt? Fear? Maybe it’s something I’m embarrassed to admit to myself. Do I feel envy? Jealousy? Guilt? It may sound bizarre, but I never asked myself those questions before! But once I started to do so, the easier the task became. And the more I became in touch with my own feelings and gave them a voice, the less scary those feelings became. I gave those feelings permission to simply… BE. In fact, it was often a relief just to identify what I was feeling!

Now, healing didn’t come right away! There were times I cried for hours before I was able to stop. I had so much hurt inside, it’s impossible to describe. There were some days I felt as if I was drowning. As the waves crashed, I’d write down my thoughts via journal writing. Writing down my feelings gave them a voice.

In this way, I endured many sleepless nights. I gave myself permission to grieve over the lost relationships I had with my parents, to grieve over the pain of abandonment. But the more I let my emotions come to the surface, and let the feelings pour out in tears of sorrow, the less intense the waves of emotions became. And the less scary they were when they came back.

THE PAIN IS JUST A MEMORY

One thing that made life very difficult during this time was that I kept feeling as if I was reliving the past, over and over again, and that was disorienting. It took the joy out of life. It took the joy out of being in the moment and enjoying myself with friends or going out and doing something fun. When the waves of emotional trauma threatened to return during moments like these, I had to remind myself that these waves are memories only. I’d acknowledge the hurt and pain by reminding myself that yes, it was a terrible time in my life, and it did hurt badly, but it’s okay now. I’m okay now. I’m safe.

Having compassion on myself to acknowledge and sympathize with the hurt that was done to me, while gently reminding myself that it’s in the past now, that this is just a bad memory, a memory of something terrible, yes, but a memory nonetheless, has helped me heal from the past, and leave it there.

DO NOT FRET OVER TRIGGERS

Which brings me to the issue of triggers. Triggers happen when the present and the past collide. It’s when an event in the present stirs up unresolved emotional turmoil from the past. They say it’s important to know your triggers. I say, that’s hogwash. A lot of times, you don’t even know what sent your emotions spinning, and when they do start to spin downward towards that bottomless pit, you don’t care what got you there – you’re just trying to find your way out! Don’t worry about what got you all spun up. In my case, it’s usually something really stupid or dumb. Something I had no control over. Something I took waaay too personally. That sort of thing. Don’t fret over the triggers. Just know what to do when those triggers are pushed. Just know what to do when you sense you’re starting to fall down that spiral again. If you spend your whole life avoiding triggers, you’ll never learn to enjoy life. You’ll never learn that those triggers aren’t dangerous. They are not a threat to you. The problem is that you have real hurt, real pain inside. And you had every reason to feel threatened. But that was in the past. It’s all a memory now. And you haven’t given yourself permission to grieve.

GRIEVE OVER PAST PAIN

Grieving takes time. And it cycles in stages. There will be days you wonder if you are truly getting better. But let me tell you, just a few months ago, I wouldn’t have been able to write about my anxiety as I am doing now. It would have felt way too difficult, too personal. It has taken years for me to get this far in the healing process.

SELF-COMPASSION DURING ADDICTION RECOVERY

One further note on Clonazepam… When it was first prescribed, I took 1 mg. After about a year, I did some research on the drug. It was then I became concerned. I asked my doctor to drop the dosage. So, it was reduced to 0.5 mg. After another year, I decided to get off it altogether. But everything I read about the drug said it is very, very difficult to get completely off of. Doctors unfortunately are no help in this area. After doing some online research, it was suggested to reduce dosage by one-eighth every week until you are off the drug. If you start to feel withdrawals, up the dosage again by one-eighth for another week before reducing again.

Well, it should have taken about a couple months, but instead, it took me six to eight months to get off of it. My doctor was convinced I wasn’t addicted, but the terrifying withdrawal symptoms I experienced proved that theory wrong. The hurricane of terrifying emotions returned. It was a terrible storm at every turn. And, sadly, I retreated back to old habits, trying desperately to suppress it all. I put on a smile even while a storm of sadness, pain, fear, anger, shame, and sorrow blazed and thundered inside me. It was awful! But that wasn’t the worst of it. After getting off the Clonazepam, it is tempting to rejoice. It is tempting to pat yourself on the back and say, gosh, that was awful, but it’s done, it’s over now! I did it! The drug has no effect on me anymore!

Not. The drug rewires the brain, and it can take up to a year or more for that rewiring to be undone. I caution anyone attempting to get off of Clonazepam or any similar drug – watch out! Take a very long sabbatical. At least a year. Remove all news, social media, or anything else that may stimulate anxiety. And I mean that! Your brain will not be able to handle much of any form of anxiety once you are off the drug because the drug wires your brain to be dependent on it to cushion any stressors. Remove the drug, and your brain is helpless to handle anything at all. At this point, it will be highly tempting to get back on the drug, even several months later, but whatever dosage you were once on, simply won’t do the trick anymore. In order to have the same effect as before, you will have to take at least twice as much, and that will only rewire your brain even further!

I wish I had known all of this! A few months after getting completely off the drug, I had the worst panic attack ever, that nearly spun me over a cliff. I became suicidal – something that had never happened to me in my life! I was hospitalized for nine days. It had been extremely tempting to get back on the drug, but fortunately my psychiatrist was very mindful of the ill consequences that would bring. He put me on something else to take the edge off, but that’s all it did. I felt like I was reliving 2019 all over again.

SELF-COMPASSION DURING RELAPSE / RECOVERY

As it happened, it wasn’t really that bad. But I felt I really did have to relearn everything I had been doing in therapy. I had to relearn self-compassion. I had to relearn these new habits; not on a drugged up brain, but on a sober brain, a recovering brain. I had to learn how to show grace to a brain that was now recovering from addiction. It wasn’t easy.

SELF-CONDEMNATION IS A TERRIBLE THING

FORGIVE YOURSELF

One of the most surprising things that happened in 2019 while I was at my worst, before I ever saw a doctor or therapist, while lying helplessly on the couch wondering when the storm of anxiety would end, was a vision or dream I experienced of Jesus’ nail-pierced hands, and words gently spoken to me: “Forgive yourself,” said the voice. I honestly didn’t know at the time what the vision or dream meant. But it didn’t seem to be something I would have foolishly imagined. Also, my therapist later agreed whole-heartedly that I was being way too hard on myself. I wasn’t giving myself grace. I wasn’t giving my emotions permission to just be what they are. I was constantly beating myself up over stupid stuff, sometimes even to the point of self-sabotage. I began to believe that perhaps Jesus was offering this statement not as a suggestion, but as a command, and not for just the moment, or for things that happened in the past, but as a way of life. Forgive yourself. Don’t beat yourself up. Forgive yourself because Christ has already forgiven you. Forgive yourself because all your sins and failures have already been nailed to the Cross. Live in freedom. Live in joy. Don’t use any reason or excuse to heap unnecessary shame on your back.

BE EMOTIONALLY VULNERABLE BEFORE GOD IN PRAYER

As I went through counseling, I prayed like I never had prayed before, being gut-wrenchingly vulnerable before God, as in the book of Psalms. I learned that God is close to the brokenhearted, that he listens when we pour out our hearts to him, that he counts our tears of sorrow. The tears we shed at night, he remembers, and will bring healing and joy in the morning. During moments in which I felt so overwhelmed I didn’t know how to pray, I’d ask Jesus to intercede on my behalf. “You know what I need,” I’d pray. “You know better than I do what I need. Pray and intercede with the Father for me, on my behalf.”

MAKE A MENTAL HEALTH CHECKLIST

On a practical level, I wrote my own “mental health checklist”. I realized I had never made my mental and emotional well-being much of a priority. So, the mental health checklist is used as tool for myself to check if I’ve slipped back into bad habits, like obsessing too much over the past, or being too negative or hard on myself, or repeating the same lies to myself. I read it daily to remind myself of these bad habits to avoid, and how to change direction if I’m slipping. I have to do this as a means of “reprogramming” my mind to learn new habits and thought patterns. Forty years of poor programming is a lot to overcome! I have had to learn to be patient with myself. Impatience will only make matters worse.

BEFORE BEDTIME ROUTINE

Another tool I’ve used is a night time routine to relax the mind. For a year or more I’d turn on some classical music and color until I felt sleepy. If I felt particularly anxious, I’d read the Bible or devotional and pray, pouring my heart out to God, and laying my anxieties at his feet. Basically, I’d do whatever I needed to do to “let go” and feel less anxious before heading off to bed. This helped me greatly, as the worst of my anxiety always seemed to occur at night.

LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL

Last year was the first time I felt like a normal human being again. We even went on an international trip, a vacation to Ireland and Scotland. What a trip!

At the moment, I don’t take any medications, except on an as needed basis. I read my mental health checklist daily, and see my therapist every other week or so.

It has been a long road, but God finally brought me out of the pit, and out into the light again! Praise God! I am finally able to enjoy being in the present. I no longer feel as if I’m stuck in the past. I no longer feel the sense of dread that I once did when the feelings of trauma get triggered. It is there, but it no longer wallops me, or threaten to sink me under. God has been good. He has never left my side. It has taken a long time, but God has been faithful. He is slowly healing my mind and spirit, and has taken me out of the pit, so I can enjoy life again!

May God shine his light on you today!

I hope my story may in some way benefit someone out there. Perhaps some of you might relate to my story.

What is your story in your battle against anxiety?

Sin and Grace

How do you react to sin? How do you respond when someone in your family, your office, your work, sins against you? How do you respond when you are betrayed, gossiped about, insulted, slandered, or persecuted? Do you feel hurt, angry, or resentful? What if the person who wronged you was someone you loved and cared about? If you feel hurt when someone wrongs you, how do you think God feels?

In the beginning, God created Adam. God told Adam if he ate of the tree of Knowledge he would surely die. When Adam ate of the forbidden tree, it surely must have broke God’s heart. He loved Adam. He had created him. He had cared for him like a father. He gave Adam everything he could possibly need or desire. He gave him a paradise to live in, a place of ease and tranquility. A paradise on earth. But Adam wasn’t happy. He wanted more. He thought God was holding something back. It didn’t occur to him that God may have been hiding something from him for a reason. For his own benefit, God didn’t want Adam to discover evil. Surely, God felt the sting of betrayal. He had been like a father to Adam and Adam broke his promise to never eat of the forbidden tree. God could have easily sought revenge, but he didn’t. In fact, it was within his right to snuff out the life of Adam right then and there. He did warn Adam that if ate of the tree, he would surely die. But God’s heart welled with compassion. Adam and Eve had yet to bear any children. If God took away their lives, human history would have ended before it had a chance to begin. In his mercy, he did not slay Adam right then and there, even though God had every right to do so. Instead, God sent Adam away to a place where life would no longer be easy for him. From that moment on, Adam would have to grow his crops in a place full of weeds. He’d have to learn to survive through hard work and suffering. God’s actions were an expression of mercy. God could have killed off the human race right then and there, but he chose not to. Instead, he allowed Adam to live a long life. In fact, Adam lived to see nine generations of his offspring. Wow! What a blessing! How many people do you know have lived 900 years old?

Is it then any wonder that life was so highly prized by those of faith in the Old Testament?

Life was deemed precious by the faithful. Every breath of life was not only a blessing, but an act of mercy from God. Surely, as sinners, we all deserve death, just as Adam did. Surely, God has every right to slay us all. But he doesn’t. Why? He mercifully gives us life so that we may acknowledge him, the giver of life. Whether life is hard or easy, we have breath in our lungs. And that’s a gift.

Luke 13 begins with a group of people who tell Jesus about some Galileans who were brutally killed by the Romans. Apparently, these individuals thought the Galileans got what was coming to them – God allowed them to die a brutal death because of their sin. But Jesus puts them in their place. “Do you think they died because their sin was greater than yours?” He asks them. “No, that’s not why they perished.” Apparently, these people considered themselves holier than thou. They thought of some people more deserving of death and punishment than themselves. They wagged their fingers, claiming those Galileans got what they deserved. But Jesus turned the tables on them. He tells them that the sins of “those people” are no worse than their own. Ouch! And if they don’t repent, the same fate will happen to them. What was Jesus saying? He was saying that because of their sin, they all deserve the same fate as the Galileans they were so busily wagging their fingers against. But God decided not to slay them, as he did the Galileans, even though that’s what they deserved. He chose instead to allow them to live. And this was an act of grace. An act of mercy. God was under no obligation to save anyone, but he chose to allow some to live anyway. And if those of whom he restores, saves, and protects, do not recognize God’s act of mercy and repent of their sins, God will allow the same harsh judgment to fall upon them. The fate of the Galileans was meant as a warning to those still living. They were to repent and acknowledge God for his mercy, for preserving their lives.

There are two things that God requires of us: thankfulness for his goodness towards us, and to always trustingly call upon his Name in times of trouble. To call upon his Name means to recall to mind God’s character. And what do we know of his character? We know his character is one who is eager to show mercy. And when he shows mercy by answering our prayer, what should we do? We should thank him for his mercy!

How does this tie into sin?

I have often heard it said that God is a covenant making God, who is always faithful even we are not. But this frankly isn’t true, for two reasons. For one thing, covenants were made between pagan peoples. It was a pagan practice to perform covenant between two peoples. For another, covenants require swearing oaths, and Jesus commanded his followers not to swear oaths, but to simply let your yes be yes and your no be no. Thirdly, God has no need for oaths. Everything God says is true; therefore, if he says something is going to happen, it will. If everything he says is true, then all his promises are true. There’s no reason why he’d have any need to swear an oath. So why did he make covenant with his people? It is likely God condescended to make vows with men according to man’s customs at the time, so that people who lived in that time and culture might understand the seriousness of God’s intentions. God condescends to speak to us in the manner and language that is most meaningful. That is what he did in the Old Testament. But he had no need to “make covenant”. His promises were true regardless of whether or not he had sworn an oath. The other issue I have is that once a covenant has been broken, the other party is under no obligation to fulfill their end of the bargain. That is, God might have been faithful to his promises to the Israelites in spite of their unfaithfulness to their Mosaic covenantal vows, but God was under no obligation to do so. He was faithful, not because of covenantal vows which are based on conditional promises which had been broken time and time again by the nation of Israel, but because of God’s purity of character. God repeatedly told the Israelites that it was on the account of his Name that he’d forgive the Israelites their sins and fulfill his promises to them. His Name refers to his character and reputation. In describing his relationship with the nation of Israel, God described himself as a husband married to an unfaithful wife. And Jesus claimed that the only valid reason for a man to divorce his wife is unfaithfulness. Thus, God had every right to “divorce” Israel and attach himself to some other people group. It was out of his consistent character of all surpassing grace, mercy, and love, that God chose to fulfill his promises to Israel even when they sinned against him, not because of covenantal obligations which had been nullified the moment Israel broke their vows.

A year ago, I participated in a Bible study of the Old Testament. Specifically, we studied the Hebrew people during the time when their kingdom was divided into Israel and Judah. The nation of Israel had one wicked king after the other. The nation of Judah had a sprinkling of kings who were faithful to God, but they were not much better. During these turbulent years, God sent prophet after prophet to warn the Hebrew people that they needed to turn back to God. And over and over again, they were rejected. Jeremiah was one of the last of these prophets. For forty years he warned the people that God would punish them by allowing their enemies to conquer their nations, massacre their people, and send the survivors into exile. But no one believed him. No one believed him because it went against God’s covenantal promise to always place a descendent of Judah as ruler over the people. Jeremiah would have been reminded by the people that God had specified that this was an eternal promise. Therefore, God would always protect the nation of Judah. Always. Forever. He would never allow Judah to fall. It was inconceivable for them to think otherwise. God had always kept his promises. Why would he suddenly stop? But God did abandon them, and both Israel and Judah fell to their enemies.

When our class ended, we discussed why God abandoned them. And it was agreed that they were abandoned because of their sin. But this conclusion defies logic. Clearly, both nations sinned greatly against the Lord long before they were destroyed. God gave them many chances to turn away from their wickedness, but they refused. And it gets worse. God accuses them of committing greater sins than that of the pagan nations around them! If it was sin, God should have struck them down long before things got out of hand. But he didn’t. Why? Because love covers a multitude of sins. In God’s loving nature, God forgave them, over and over again. God loved his people. But his people did not recognize him. They did not give him honor or thanksgiving. They never grieved over their sins, and they took God’s merciful nature completely for granted. God was willing to give his people chance after chance after chance to confess their sins and turn away from their wickedness. But like stubborn children, they continued doing whatever they were doing before, without a care in the world that there might be consequences. At one point in the book of Jeremiah, God acts like a frustrated father, at the end of his rope. He lists their numerous sins and his growing wrath. But then he does something unexpected. He tells them (and I’m paraphrasing here), “Ok, guys. You all have turned against me. You could care less about the laws and precepts I gave you. You insist on going your own way. Fine. Whatever. I am at my wits end and have given up hope of you embracing my laws anymore. So, I’ll make you a deal. If you do this one thing for me – just this one thing – I promise to relent on my anger. I won’t punish you for your wickedness. I will forgive you and cancel the debt.” It’s like a parent telling an unruly child, “Ok, I give up! Day after day I’ve been after you over something. If it’s not one thing, it’s another. Any time I ask you to do something, you do just the opposite. I am done with having any high expectations from you anymore! So, I’ll make a deal with you. If you do this one thing for me, just this one thing, I’ll be happy. That’s how low my expectations are right now. Clean your room and all will be forgiven!” Israel’s sins were great. Surely, they deserved punishment. It was out of grace that they weren’t. God chose to abandon Israel after they refused to do that one thing (in this case, God asked them to release their Hebrew slaves). God had asked them to obey a single command – and they couldn’t even do that right. God hadn’t abandoned the people; the people had abandoned him. And it was only then that God turned away from his own people and let them fall under the hands of their enemies.

So, what do we learn from this? We learn that God will not reject us because of sin. But he will reject us if we take God completely for granted. If we assume he does not care if we do as we please. If we assume he must not care about our actions if no just punishment falls upon us (yet).

Does that mean God is a legalist? That he expects perfection? No. God simply wants us to be contrite about our sins. To view sin and wickedness for what it is. It is evil. And it is abhorrent to God. To embrace the wisdom to love that which is good and to reject that which is evil. If we love God, then we love the things that God loves. If we love God, all evil becomes repugnant. When we find ourselves doing the evil we do not want to do, we are reminded of Saint Paul’s remarks in Romans 7. We no longer love the part of ourselves that does evil, but we are reminded that our sins have been crucified with Christ on the cross. When our hearts agree that God’s law is good, that our own deeds have conflicted with God’s law, and believe that Christ endured the punishment that should have been ours, the full wrath of God, God will not only have mercy with regards to our sins, but grant us a new resurrected life with him. And if our hearts are in agreement with all of that, then gratitude will naturally bubble up inside of us. We are no longer afraid when we sin. We see God as a god of mercy and goodness, and not a merciless taskmaster. We see our lives as glorious gifts from God and not a curse or a torment. Sin may persist, but as long as we still have breath and life, we live under God’s redeeming grace. Thus, Saint Paul was right when he said, when sin increases, God’s grace increases all the more!

The question is, are you thankful? Are you grateful? Are you grateful for your life and all the good things God has given you? Are you grateful for God’s great gift, the gift of his Son? Are you thankful for the sacrifice He made on your behalf? Will you give him your thankfulness, devotion, and praise? Will you trust in his mercy in your time of need? Will you praise him with your heart when he delivers you? Or will you go on your way, doing whatever you were doing before, giving him neither your acknowledgement nor praise, nor one shred of your obedience?

Homosexuality: Sin Or Not?

Much is being said about the United Methodist Church General Conference. The bigger question is why has the issue of homosexuality become a divisive one for the church?

First, some background should be noted on the social change that has occurred in the United States over the last thirty years.

I grew up in the 80’s. At the time, AIDS was a nameless untreatable pestilence that was rampantly spreading among gay men. To be afflicted with the disease meant certain death. Scientists and medical professionals tried to sound an alarm. They tried to push for government grants to investigate the disease. Time after time their requests were denied. They were denied when government officials were told that the only people coming down with the disease were gay men. The only reason why the grants were finally approved is because one scientist warned that it was inevitable that the disease would eventually spread to heterosexuals too. That scientist went on to discover the HIV virus and finally gave the disease a name – AIDS.

At that time, gays were social pariahs. They were not talked about within social circles. They were not represented on TV or in movies. Gays in general were treated as if they didn’t exist. They just weren’t talked about at all.

But as time went on, the media started to shine a light on the AIDS epidemic, and in doing so, they also shone a light on the gay victims of the disease. As they documented the afflictions of AIDS patients, they couldn’t help but notice other forms of suffering these men were already going through. If an AIDS patient was rendered incapable of caring for himself and had a life partner, that partner had no legal say on his lover’s medical care. Hospitals had no other legal choice but to call the closest living relatives, who, more often than not, had disowned that person years or even decades before because of the man’s gay lifestyle. Well-meaning relatives didn’t have a clue on knowing what the patient’s best interests might be; at the same time, they were often completely closed to what the patient’s partner would suggest.

The whole situation seemed grossly unfair. If a homosexual man is too ill to make decisions on his own, shouldn’t his partner have a say in his treatment and care? A gay man’s partner was often also his best friend, someone who would know more intimately than anyone else what would be in the best interests of his sick lover. There seemed to be a loophole in the law, a situation the law never considered. Meanwhile, heartless family members, who could care less about the person afflicted with the disease, were making all the decisions.

I remember watching such profiles and feeling a sense of compassion and sympathy for these men. It was hard not to feel for them.

And yet, there were plenty of other Christians I knew that didn’t have that compassion. It is shameful to say it, but I remember hearing Christians making statements that implied homosexuals were “getting what they deserve” as if God were punishing them for their homosexual lifestyles.

I remember feeling greatly disturbed by these statements. As Christians, we believe every person is a sinner, and therefore, deserving of death and eternal punishment. But because of God’s great love, He chooses not to punish us. If God’s love is great enough to cover our sins and remove from us the punishment we deserve, then why should it not be great enough to cover the sins of others? God takes no joy in our sufferings. Neither should we take any measure of satisfaction in the suffering of others, regardless of what sins we believe they’ve committed.

And thus the social conscious of both secular and social thought began to change. However, change did not happen without a decent amount of friction. As more and more gay men and women started coming out of the closet, there were equally a number of stories of outright hatred against homosexuals. Even worse, were the hate mail sent to some openly gay individuals who claimed to be Christian.

Some good came out of the change. Christians now I think understand where they went wrong. They had used Scripture as an excuse to oppress a particular subgroup of individuals, much as they had to blacks, women, Jews, and others. They had treated homosexuals as if they were less than human, not worthy of the same rights as others. Even worse, they had seen them as committing a vile sin that, at least in their eyes, is somehow greater than everyone else’s, and beyond redemption.

Scripture used in this sense is ALWAYS wrong! We should NEVER use Scripture to justify hate or oppression.

And while all this may be true, does that necessarily mean we should condone homosexual sex acts? If you believe homosexual sex acts are sinful, then no, we cannot. To marry a homosexual couple would be like wedding any other couple in which sex is flatly forbidden, such as marrying two of close relations: a man and his daughter; a brother and his aunt; etc. But if you believe homosexual sex acts aren’t sinful, then marriage and pastoral ordination should be accepted.

And this goes to the crux of the matter: Is homosexuality a sin?

There are those who believe strongly that, yes, it is a sin. This view has a lot of biblical backing. There are at least 6 different verses within Scripture that mention homosexual acts, and all of them condemn these acts as sin. In all cases in which marriage is described, it is always in the context of a union between a man and a woman. Keep in mind, too, these verses are found in both the Old and New Testaments. In the only Scripture in which sexual desire is intimately described, in the Song of Solomon, it is described in the context of the passion between a man and a woman. God also commanded in the Old Testament that mankind should “be fruitful and multiply”, something that cannot be achieved naturally through homosexual partnerships. These facts cannot be denied. It seems clear taking all these verses together that God intended sexual partnerships to exist solely within the context of marriage between a man and a woman, not just for sexual intimacy, but for the purposes of procreation.

But wait! This seems unfair. Why should a monogamous homosexual partnership, committed to mutual fidelity, be considered “bad” and a heterosexual one be considered “good”? Why would God view one partnership as “sin” and the other not sin? If God is just, this seems very unjust. If each dedicated partner also confesses Christ, what difference does it make?

Well, you have to admit, there are an endless number of human relationships in which it would be very inappropriate to add sex into the mix. Leviticus 18 lists numerous laws that define sexual immorality, not just for the people of the Old Covenant, but for modern society. I think most people of modern secular society would agree that sex between a brother and a sister is wrong, or between a father and his daughter, or a man and his mother, or a man and an animal. Wedged within the mix of what much of modern society would mutually agree as morally repugnant sins is this one: “Do not have sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman; that is detestable.” Hmm. Well. Considering this, we must consider also the question: why would such an act be viewed as “detestable”? More to the point, considering these were laws directly passed down by God Himself, why would GOD view such an act “detestable”?

Here is a possible explanation, or at least one I’ve heard mentioned by some: The Old Testament contained many laws about cleanliness. Many of these laws are no longer considered relevant to the New Covenant. For instance, the Old Testament law forbidding the consumption of meats from certain animals because of their uncleanliness was superseded by Saint Peter’s vision in which God declared all living things within His creation as clean. Jesus Himself was often criticized by the Pharisees for hanging out with “sinners”, or those deemed too “unclean” to socialize with because of their sins. Jesus also approached, touched, and also healed lepers and those ostracized because of the “uncleanliness” of their disease. He also criticized the Pharisees for being “white washed tombs” who ardently followed the laws of outward cleanliness while possessing hearts that were either cold or dead. Taking all these things together, as followers of Christ and the New Covenant, “cleanliness” laws no longer seem to have any relevance. And so, it is perhaps possible that the Levitical law forbidding sex between two men was placed there because such relations were deemed as unclean.

This would be a valid argument if it weren’t for the passages in the New Testament that also condemn homosexual relations. Romans 1:24-27 describes an undeniably harsh and damning view of those enslaved by sexual lust, especially lusts involving homosexual relations. Of course, one has to also consider the context of these passages. Saint Paul had visited places that literally worshipped the Greek goddess of love, and who practiced such “worship” with all forms of prostitution and sexual depravity. It is very likely that many of these individuals became also victims of sexually transmitted diseases. This would engender disgust in any morally conscious individual. It is why Saint Paul so ardently implored new believers to honor their bodies as holy temples of the Spirit of God by living free from all sexual impurity.

Also, as a Pharisee and one knowledgeable in Levitical law, he would naturally consider also homosexual relations as sexually immoral. That may be true, but he nullifies the argument that his aversion to homosexuality had anything to do with cleanliness. He claims those who engage in homosexual relations have “exchanged natural relations with unnatural ones.” Hmm. Okay. Let us ponder on this one for a bit. What could he mean by that?

Homosexual partnerships, by their very nature, cannot procreate. It is undeniable that human beings would not have been able to procreate since the days of Adam and Eve if not for the benefit of heterosexual relations in conceiving children. Remember the words of the Old Testament – be fruitful and multiply. Women were honored by the number of children they conceived. Test tube babies aside, it would be biologically impossible for the human race to survive into a new generation if everyone were homosexual. By “natural relations” Saint Paul could be literally meaning “of nature”, or consistent with Creation, gender roles, and our biological need to procreate.

The language Saint Paul uses implies that indulging in homosexual relations is a choice. But there are those who argue that homosexuals are “born that way” – that is, there is something inborn in their biology that causes them to lust after those of their own gender. Let us then consider this view. If it is inborn, what would that look like? If human biology was designed by God in part for procreation, why would “nature” allow for homosexual relations? If it did, it would be considered a biological abnormality, since what is biologically normal require relations that encourage the natural conception of human life. This would also imply that homosexual behavior is the result of some kind of biological flaw. But I don’t see too many people advocating that. If it were considered a defect, why aren’t doctors trying to find a cure?

Perhaps there are those who consider it a biological abnormality, but a harmless one.

If you had watched television during the 80s and 90s, you would have seen the stories, the various stories of men who felt forced by society into leading double lives, one devoted to their wives, and another life, hidden from their families, in which they let loose their secret homosexual urges in closeted affairs with men. We who lived during that time frame would have seen them all on TV – both in fiction and in documentaries – of how families were destroyed once they find out the truth. It forced people to wonder that perhaps such men would have been better off in an openly gay monogamous relationship, a relationship that would be both sexually satisfying and without the hypocrisy.

I agree that such men would be happier, and heterosexual women would also better off by simply knowing which men are not worth investing their time in.

The Bible does say, that if two people can’t control their urges, they should marry, lest they burn with passion. So, if two men burn with passion for one another, why should they not marry?

Our U.S. Constitution states that everyone has the right to “the pursuit of happiness.” If having the right to marry makes homosexuals happy, why is that a bad thing? And doesn’t this bring equality to both heterosexual and homosexual couples?

From a legal standpoint, and a constitutional standpoint, there can be no argument made that would justify denying homosexuals of the same rights and privileges of heterosexual couples. Like I mentioned earlier, the denial of rights to homosexual partners came at a great cost during the AIDS epidemic. Regardless of how you feel about such partnerships, we have a social and moral responsibility to provide these individuals the same respect as human beings and citizens of this country.

But while I may have compassion on them in that respect, I am unconvinced that it is not a sin.

While people who prefer like-gender relations would certainly be happier in a physical and emotional sense, does that earthly happiness necessarily mean that God approves of such unions? Saint Paul indicates that God will “give over” those who seek sexual relations with those of their own gender. That is, God will not stop them. He will do nothing to prevent them from pursuing and indulging their lusts. In fact, He will hand them over to be enslaved by them. If they become enslaved, they can have no part with God.

Is this the doom we want homosexuals to endure? Do we want homosexuals to be doomed to an eternity apart from God? As Christians, do we not value and esteem our relationship with God over any other relationship? Isn’t it better to be miserable in this life by denying ourselves of certain earthly pleasures for the sake of an eternity with our Lord? Or are we being unreasonably harsh, unfair, and unrealistic to expect homosexuals to be celibate for the sake of our Lord? You might as well also say Jesus was being unrealistic, unreasonable, and unfair when He tells us to love our enemies, bless those who curse you, turn the other cheek, to give a thief your cloak after he just stole from you another one. (I am of the belief that to love as Jesus asks us to love can only be achieved with the power of the Holy Spirit. Apart from the Holy Spirit, we cannot genuinely love our enemies.)

To truly dedicate oneself to God, you must rely on the Holy Spirit. Without Him, we can do nothing.

Do not members of Alcoholics Anonymous seek the strength of a Higher Power to overcome their addictions? And aren’t such programs been proven successful in breaking people’s addictions, including those who may have a biologically genetic disposition towards addictive behaviors (born that way)? Do not “sinners” everywhere seek the empowerment of the Holy Spirit to let go and overcome their sinful weaknesses? Do we believe God can empower a person to overcome even sexual behaviors that are deemed displeasing to God? Or is our faith too weak to believe such a thing can happen? Or do we believe that, because a person slips again and again into indulging his sexual desires, that he must be “beyond hope” of ever changing? Do we then, at that point, when faced with the reality that the person may never change, decide we must have been in the wrong for encouraging that person to change in the first place? God forbid we adjust our thinking on what is right and what is wrong based on the difficulty a person endures in trying to adjust their lifestyle to that change! While we may have compassion and great mercy on that person as they go through that adjustment of realigning their lives according to what Christ would desire of them, we must still point out their wrong, but in a loving way that still builds them up with the courage to press on. No one said removing sinful desires from our lives would be easy! It’s a lifelong process.

Jesus makes it clear – we cannot love anything or anyone more than Himself. We cannot love any human relationship, even with our spouse, our children, our friends, above that of our relationship with Him. If we pursue any relationship at the risk of losing our relationship with God, then we are in trouble. We are playing with fire. It is one thing to sin and stumble from time to time. It is quite another to become enslaved and addicted to a relationship God does not approve of.

How Shall We Celebrate the Life and Legacy of Martin Luther King, Jr.?

Recently, we celebrated the birthday of Martin Luther King, Jr.

I grew up in California in the 80’s and I don’t remember much being said about his name or legacy in the public media. My parents talked more about MLK than either my teachers or the media did. Since MLK lived in their generation, it made sense that his influence would have a more meaningful effect on their lives.

Now, it is 2024, and I now live in Atlanta. I am not sure how the rest of the nation views MLK’s life and influence, but at least here in Atlanta, his name has somehow reached the status of legend. He is viewed as a larger than life figure, like some kind of Marvel superhero who valiantly went to battle against the oppression of racism. Yet, nothing could be further than the truth.

A few years ago, I read MLK’s book, Where Do We Go From Here?, a book that was published posthumously, a few years after his death. For people who want to know how the man thought about the world around him and wrestle with how they might continue his mission, read his book.

Martin Luther King was both a Christian, and a black man. As a black man, he both suffered, and saw the suffering of others. And it weighed on his heart, as it did with many of his contemporaries. But while he and other civil rights leaders of his time all agreed that change was badly needed, they all argued over how to go about bringing change into the spotlight. Many of his contemporaries desired a more drastic approach. Some advocated violence. Surely, there was a lot of rage that had been built up over time. And underneath that rage, was a mountain of hurt, sorrow, and anguish from suffering under the chains of cultural racism. MLK understood all this. He’d even sympathize. But he still refused to advocate an “eye for an eye” attitude. He says in his book that he was often criticized – by blacks, other civil rights leaders – for advocating a non-violent, non-forceful approach. While others advocated a “hate thy enemy” approach, he refused to give in. He’d be the only one in the room, all alone. No one took his side. But he said if all the world disagreed with him, it wouldn’t have mattered. As a determined Christian, a follower of Christ, a follower of the man Jesus who taught to “love thy enemy” and “bless those who curse you”, Martin Luther King was utterly resolute in making his stance against racism by some other means.

In his book Where Do We Go From Here? he notes that after civil rights laws had been passed, and civil rights was no longer in the media spotlight, volunteerism had plummeted. Everyone acted as if their cause had ended. And yet, he noted that at the time of his writing, a year after laws had been passed, only one school had been desegregated. He was dismayed that so many felt that the civil rights battle had been fought, and won, and now there’s nothing more to do. There was plenty to do! The battle was still ahead, he felt. There was still much that needed to change, if only people were willing to carry on the fight.

Where, then, is the battle of racism still going on today?

In his book, Just Mercy, published in 2014, Bryan Stevenson exposes the flagrant racism that still exists today within our criminal justice system. And I can attest, as a volunteer within the prison ministry, that there is a disturbing disproportionate number of inmates who are black versus any other race. Bryan Stevenson embodies what MLK stood for. He saw oppression and injustice and decided to do something about it. Bryan Stevenson also reminds us that racism still exists. It’s still a dark shadow of which we have yet to completely eliminate. It’s a stain that still remains in areas within our culture.

But I think it is unwise to consider MLK’s life as one who cared only about eliminating racism. While the remnants of racism still exist, MLK was more than a civil rights activist. He was a devout Christian man who was stirred with compassion for all those under oppression. His compassion was not just reserved for blacks only. He cared also for whites. It might surprise people that MLK considered his next mission in life as a crusade against poverty. Here is what he says in his book:

“The curse of poverty has no justification in our age. It is socially as cruel and blind as the practice of cannibalism at the dawn of civilization, when men ate each other because they had not yet learned to take food from the soil or to consume the abundant animal life around them. The time has come for us to civilize ourselves by the total, direct and immediate abolition of poverty.” [King Jr, Martin Luther. Where Do We Go from Here (King Legacy) (p. 176). Beacon Press. Kindle Edition.]

Why, then, do we honor the man merely for his crusade against racism? His crusade was not just for African Americans. It was for all Americans. All Americans who were subjected to oppression of any kind. Racism is just one form of oppression, and while racism is most certainly a vile form of oppression, there are many others.

As Christians, if we are to learn anything from MLK, it is to be sensitive to the oppressed within our society, whether they be black, white, or some other people group. It is also to be determined to take action, to not sit still and “pray” that someone else will lead the charge. It is also to be unwaveringly determined to instigate change using peaceful means. It is to show compassion, even onto those who are responsible for the oppression in society. It is to deliberately break those laws or standards which are unjust – and then heap grace upon grace on those who inflict harsh punishment.

It is to live a life we should all be demonstrating as believers in Christ: To seek justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with our God. To learn to do right; seek justice. Defend the oppressed. Take up the cause of the fatherless; plead the case of the widow. To feed the hungry, clothe the naked, and visit the prisoner. To show compassion on the foreigner and not turn them away. All these things are biblical. All these are within the calling of the Church, the spiritual Body of Christ. No one individual has a calling to do all these things, but the Body of Christ together works to do all of these.

Do we have the courage to walk in MLK’s shoes? We limit his example by saying it’s all about racism and nothing else. It’s about living up to our calling as Christians. Living up to our calling as followers of Christ. Living up to crusading in some manner on behalf of those who are “weak”, scorned, helpless, disabled, deprived, indigent, oppressed, hungry, naked, homeless, rejected, orphaned, abandoned, etc.

MLK would not appreciate people idolizing him. He would not want people putting him on a pedestal. He would want people to simply do what they already know they should be doing all along. And that is to love one another in action and not just in words. And God willing, we will do so.