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What I’ve Learned From My Anxiety – One Christian’s Point of View

I have suffered bouts of anxiety / depression off and on all my life. In 2019, I suffered the worst episode in my life. My emotions jumped from fear, anger, shame, helplessness, sorrow, worthlessness, despair, and back again. It was a constant spinning spiral, like being in a hurricane. I felt helpless as all these crazy emotions seemed to rage within me. It was distracting. I couldn’t concentrate. I couldn’t get anything done. I had a hard time staying in the moment. I felt like my mind was being plunged into another place and time. A time that was frightening. Terrifying. But someplace oddly familiar, like I’ve felt this way before. I’ve been in this pit before, but I couldn’t remember exactly when or how.

Pulling myself out of the pit was impossible. The anxiety ran so high, the fight or flight switch got turned on. I’d try to watch something funny on television, but it was like trying to concentrate on a comedy show while your being crushed with dread. Like trying to laugh while bombs are dropping and exploding all around you, and any moment you could get hit and blown to pieces.

That’s how I felt, anyway, for what it’s worth, even while my analytical brain kept trying to convince me that I was perfectly safe, that there was no real danger. Clearly, there was a disconnect between what I was thinking analytically and what I was feeling inside.

Part of the problem was that my analytical brain was getting impatient with my emotional side. My emotions felt out of control, and my analytical brain kept trying to stuff them all down. It kept fighting for control and nothing was working.

During this time, I read countless books on anxiety. I prayed constantly. I devoured Scripture. But in the end, I realized the more I tried to control my emotions, even as a spoke Scripture aloud, the worse things got. I suffered frequent panic attacks, day and night. I was lucky if I got more than an hour or two of sleep. My body was in high alert, 24/7. Every muscle in my body felt tense. I was running off of sheer adrenaline. My blood pressure began to soar.

One of the books I read during this season of my life was The Adversary by Mark Bubeck. The book spoke to me. After soaking in the book, I devoured more books on spiritual warfare. They all seemed to make sense. I read books on spiritual warfare praying. I bought the workbook on Preparing For Battle. I asked a friend about it. She referred me to a place I could call for a spiritual consultation. I was desperate. I knew I needed help. I called for an appointment and got scheduled with a prestigious expert on the subject, who, after I spent $75 for a 50 minute session of explaining my life story and the crushing state I was in, gave me an email with a bunch of advice and practical prayers to use. My husband and I took the man’s advice, but my condition worsened, and after my husband sent frantic emails to the consultant for help, the person finally did call back, not out of compassion or sympathy, but out of sheer annoyance. His contempt was evident in his tone of voice; he asked me no questions and gave me no chance to speak. He monopolized the entire conversation. I had to interrupt him to say anything at all, and the more I tried to say something, the more irritated he became and spoke over anything I had to say. It was evident he wanted to do all the talking, so I let him have his say. He told me my parents were “diabolical”, that I should never had volunteered for prison ministry, and ventured on a long tirade boasting of his own achievements. At the end of the phone call, he gave me a bunch of Bible verses to keep in mind, and that was it. The only positive thing he said was that my husband must really love me to be so persistent. I hung up the phone, my hands shaking. Here’s the irony: his tone of voice reminded me precisely of the “diabolical” tone my parents would use on me; that prideful contemptuous tone that doesn’t give a whit of the emotional wreckage you are in but tries to pretend to for pride’s sake. It is for this reason, and others, that I gave up on “spiritual warfare” ministries to save me. I came to the realization that I was “praying” for all the wrong reasons. You have to realize something: I was in fight or flight mode. It was like a switch had been turned on and I didn’t know how to turn it off. I was in hyped up adrenaline-rushed hypervigilant mode. Survival mode. I felt like I was fighting for my life. But I was fighting for… control. I wanted control over my emotions, control over my anxiety. I just wanted it all to stop. And when I prayed the prayers of “spiritual warfare”, it was like a placebo. It gave me the illusion of being in control even when I wasn’t. instead of giving the battle to God, I felt I had to be even more ready, more in control, more vigilant and prepared for the spiritual battle before me. And it was exhausting! But, when I look back on it, it was as if I didn’t really trust God to fight the battle for me.

One morning before church service, I opened a Bible randomly and read the verses that were there. And the verses jumped off the page. It was only then that I realized the dire error of my ways. I had always been uncomfortable with the prayers of “binding” spirits, but I had been so desperate at the time, I didn’t know what else to do. And the verses of 2 Peter 2:10-12 convicted my heart. Hadn’t I been foolish? Hadn’t I been acting like an animal, submitting to the fleshly instinct of fear and self-preservation rather than to the authority of God? Jesus may have “cast out” demons, but he never asked his Father to abuse them, or bind them up for judgment. Judgment will happen, but not till the end times. If God’s mighty angels have not the authority to rebuke demons, then who are we to think we have that authority? We view our physical circumstances, and they are unpleasant to us. Thus, we conclude, this must not be God’s will. We make assumptions about the spiritual realm, a realm unseen to us, a realm often misunderstood, based on our physical circumstances. Was not the book of Job a warning to us not to make too many presumptions about God’s intentions when circumstances don’t go our way?

As the words of Scripture hit home in my heart, I put the Bible down and spent the rest of that Sunday morning on my hands and knees in deep contrition, begging God for forgiveness, within the church’s private chapel.

SEEK MEDICAL ADVICE

I advise anyone to first check for medical reasons for why your anxiety may be worse than usual. Sometimes it can be as simple as a side effect of a new drug you’re taking, or low vitamin D levels. Check your medications for side effects. Then, go to your doctor and ask for a complete physical and lab work up.

In my case, things got worse before they got better. My nurse practitioner, who thought I had lost my mind, prescribed an antidepressant that only made my panic attacks worse (I didn’t think that was even possible). After that, there were other setbacks when it came to medications. I was once given an antipsychotic medicine. I refused to take it. I was suffering anxiety, not delusions. I wasn’t hallucinating. I was just… scared. Scared out of my mind, yes. But it was a nameless fear.

I begged my nurse practitioner to check me for signs of pre-menopause. I told her my family history, that both my mother and grandmother suffered greatly from severe episodes of anxiety, depression, and emotional instability in their forties due to perimenopause. My mother’s symptoms were relieved somewhat by hormone replacement therapy, but such treatments didn’t exist during my grandmother’s lifetime. She became suicidal and was placed in a psychiatric treatment center for five years. My mother said though, at the time of my grandmother’s release, it was as if nothing had happened. My grandmother appeared perfectly sane. Could it be that I was suffering from the same fate? My nurse practitioner already thought I was off my nut. She flatly told me that she doesn’t prescribe hormones as a treatment for anxiety. After I kept pressing the subject, she finally prescribed something, but it wasn’t what I had asked for. I had done the research: medical trials showed that the use of synthetic hormones do not alleviate symptoms of sleeplessness and anxiety. Only the real stuff will provide any benefit.

I learned that being your own advocate can be an especially daunting task when your anxiety is already spinning out of control. No one takes you seriously. Everyone thinks you’re over-reacting or a hypochondriac when all you’re trying to do is to seek help. And answers.

But I kept persisting. I found out you can order your own lab work. So, I did that. And the results showed my progesterone had plummeted to zero. No wonder I wasn’t sleeping! I then made an appointment with a gynecologist. I sent a lengthy message to the doctor explaining my situation, begging for a compassionate doctor to put me on hormone replacement therapy.

SEEK COUNSELING

In the meantime, I also sought counseling. The first time I saw a therapist for my anxiety, he told me he felt what I needed was grace. “If grace could be put in a pill form, I’d prescribe it to you,” he said. “You need to give yourself grace. One pill every morning.” At the time, I thought the notion was ridiculous. How could a lack of giving myself grace be my problem? Surely, there’s more to what I was experiencing than that! How could it be that simple? I was never taught to love myself. That just sounded narcissistic. Why would I want to be a narcissist? I sought several other therapists after that. Eventually, I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety. A couple years later, I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD. Personally, the CPTSD probably fits my symptoms better than any other diagnosis.

BEWARE OF ADDICTIVE PRESCRIPTION DRUGS

Medically speaking, what finally brought the panic attacks to a halt was Clonazepam, but I don’t recommend anyone use this drug on a regular basis. It worked great, but I should have stopped using it as soon as the panic attacks stopped. Think of it this way: why take Excedrin if you don’t have a migraine? Or NyQuil when you don’t have a cold? Medications are great when they are used responsibly, if they are taken as needed. Unfortunately, I wasn’t forewarned about the dangers of taking Clonazepam on a daily basis. The stuff is highly addictive. While it did bring the panic and anxiety symptoms to a halt, and I am thankful for that, I deeply regret that I had not been forewarned by my doctors of the dangers of continuous use. If I had, I would have been more cautious.

Don’t get me wrong, sometimes medication is necessary. I was so grateful when a doctor finally recommended Clonazepam and Ambien to take at night. I finally slept straight through for the first time in months, after taking them together that first night. After five nights of good sleep, I got off the Ambien right away (I already knew that stuff could be addictive) but I stuck with the Clonazepam. To be honest, I was scared. I was scared of that spiral of anxiety coming back again. I thought the drug would prevent that from happening. But the downside of addiction ended up being far worse.

During those two years I was on Clonazepam, I was oblivious. However, I was wise enough to know that drugs alone were not the cure to my problems. There was something deeply psychological going on and I needed to get to the bottom of it.

SELF-COMPASSION

I went to three or four therapists / psychiatrists, but I kept going back to one in particular. The same one who had prescribed “grace” as my cure. He is not a psychiatrist. He is not a psychologist. He’s a Christian therapist. And I eventually came to the realization that he had far better insight into my problems than I had originally gave him credit for. Probably the greatest lesson I learned from him was self-compassion.

My parents were never very emotionally sensitive. They were never very sensitive to our emotional needs. Their needs always came first. Even worse, they’d yell, scream, falsely accuse, or give the silent treatment, without ever stating why they were upset with us, which would lead us all into a state of confusion and hurt. As a result, I never thought my own feelings mattered. It seemed my parents always got the last word and say on everything, and this was true even when I became an adult. Their happiness was more important than mine. As an adult, I learned to accept it. I knew my place, and I knew not to trust them even when they were nice; I knew it wasn’t out of the goodness of their heart. Maybe it was guilt. Or maybe they are buttering me up because they want something from me. But it never felt unconditional.

I adapted by ignoring or suppressing my feelings. It wasn’t worth expressing them anyway. What was the point? But after 40 years of suppressing my emotions, everything started bubbling up all at once. All the hurt, fear, betrayal, anger, abandonment, frustration, and despair pushed upward, demanding an audience, demanding to be heard.

UNLOAD BAGGAGE OF SHAME

One of the first things I had to do was to let go of any shame I felt for having these emotions. For one thing, I wasn’t terribly proud of all the anger I had bottled up over the years. I wasn’t proud of it, and I had let shame push all that down. I had to let go of my embarrassment and shame and just confess to God just how desperate my state had become. I got on my hands and knees and asked God for emotional healing. And I started to open up to others, too. I asked for prayers from my Christian friends.

LET GO OF CONTROL

The next thing I had to do was to let go of control. I couldn’t control this thing. I had to accept that maybe God was allowing me to go through all this for a reason. I held on to the hope that God would heal my brokenness. I couldn’t do it myself.

GIVE EMOTIONS PERMISSION TO EXIST

Then, I had to learn how to give my emotions permission to exist. That may sound silly, but it really isn’t, not when your instinct had always been to suppress them. I had to also learn to give each emotion self-expression. I had to learn that it’s okay to cry, scream, sob, or wail loudly whenever I feel emotionally overwhelmed. These are all perfectly normal and natural ways for the human body to release pent up emotional tension. It costs nothing and there’s no side effects. I marvel at babies because they do it so naturally. Have you ever watched an infant scream when it’s upset? Its face contorts in frustration, it’s hands ball into fists, and it lets out short bursts of screams over and over again while tears run down it’s face. And I learned to do just that. To cry and wail like a baby. And it was a wonderful release!

NAME YOUR EMOTIONS

Another thing that may sound strange is that I had to learn how to identify my own emotions. When you’ve experienced your whole life without giving much regard to your own feelings, you tend to get “out of touch” with your own emotions. I would sense a gnawing feeling in my gut, a tightness in my shoulders, a restlessness in my sleep, but I would not be able to identify how I felt except to describe it as a generalized feeling of “anxiety” or “stress”. So, I started to ask myself this question, whenever I felt “stressed” and losing sleep: what am I feeling right now, right this minute? What word best describes my emotional state of mind? Is it anger? Hurt? Fear? Maybe it’s something I’m embarrassed to admit to myself. Do I feel envy? Jealousy? Guilt? It may sound bizarre, but I never asked myself those questions before! But once I started to do so, the easier the task became. And the more I became in touch with my own feelings and gave them a voice, the less scary those feelings became. I gave those feelings permission to simply… BE. In fact, it was often a relief just to identify what I was feeling!

Now, healing didn’t come right away! There were times I cried for hours before I was able to stop. I had so much hurt inside, it’s impossible to describe. There were some days I felt as if I was drowning. As the waves crashed, I’d write down my thoughts via journal writing. Writing down my feelings gave them a voice.

In this way, I endured many sleepless nights. I gave myself permission to grieve over the lost relationships I had with my parents, to grieve over the pain of abandonment. But the more I let my emotions come to the surface, and let the feelings pour out in tears of sorrow, the less intense the waves of emotions became. And the less scary they were when they came back.

THE PAIN IS JUST A MEMORY

One thing that made life very difficult during this time was that I kept feeling as if I was reliving the past, over and over again, and that was disorienting. It took the joy out of life. It took the joy out of being in the moment and enjoying myself with friends or going out and doing something fun. When the waves of emotional trauma threatened to return during moments like these, I had to remind myself that these waves are memories only. I’d acknowledge the hurt and pain by reminding myself that yes, it was a terrible time in my life, and it did hurt badly, but it’s okay now. I’m okay now. I’m safe.

Having compassion on myself to acknowledge and sympathize with the hurt that was done to me, while gently reminding myself that it’s in the past now, that this is just a bad memory, a memory of something terrible, yes, but a memory nonetheless, has helped me heal from the past, and leave it there.

DO NOT FRET OVER TRIGGERS

Which brings me to the issue of triggers. Triggers happen when the present and the past collide. It’s when an event in the present stirs up unresolved emotional turmoil from the past. They say it’s important to know your triggers. I say, that’s hogwash. A lot of times, you don’t even know what sent your emotions spinning, and when they do start to spin downward towards that bottomless pit, you don’t care what got you there – you’re just trying to find your way out! Don’t worry about what got you all spun up. In my case, it’s usually something really stupid or dumb. Something I had no control over. Something I took waaay too personally. That sort of thing. Don’t fret over the triggers. Just know what to do when those triggers are pushed. Just know what to do when you sense you’re starting to fall down that spiral again. If you spend your whole life avoiding triggers, you’ll never learn to enjoy life. You’ll never learn that those triggers aren’t dangerous. They are not a threat to you. The problem is that you have real hurt, real pain inside. And you had every reason to feel threatened. But that was in the past. It’s all a memory now. And you haven’t given yourself permission to grieve.

GRIEVE OVER PAST PAIN

Grieving takes time. And it cycles in stages. There will be days you wonder if you are truly getting better. But let me tell you, just a few months ago, I wouldn’t have been able to write about my anxiety as I am doing now. It would have felt way too difficult, too personal. It has taken years for me to get this far in the healing process.

SELF-COMPASSION DURING ADDICTION RECOVERY

One further note on Clonazepam… When it was first prescribed, I took 1 mg. After about a year, I did some research on the drug. It was then I became concerned. I asked my doctor to drop the dosage. So, it was reduced to 0.5 mg. After another year, I decided to get off it altogether. But everything I read about the drug said it is very, very difficult to get completely off of. Doctors unfortunately are no help in this area. After doing some online research, it was suggested to reduce dosage by one-eighth every week until you are off the drug. If you start to feel withdrawals, up the dosage again by one-eighth for another week before reducing again.

Well, it should have taken about a couple months, but instead, it took me six to eight months to get off of it. My doctor was convinced I wasn’t addicted, but the terrifying withdrawal symptoms I experienced proved that theory wrong. The hurricane of terrifying emotions returned. It was a terrible storm at every turn. And, sadly, I retreated back to old habits, trying desperately to suppress it all. I put on a smile even while a storm of sadness, pain, fear, anger, shame, and sorrow blazed and thundered inside me. It was awful! But that wasn’t the worst of it. After getting off the Clonazepam, it is tempting to rejoice. It is tempting to pat yourself on the back and say, gosh, that was awful, but it’s done, it’s over now! I did it! The drug has no effect on me anymore!

Not. The drug rewires the brain, and it can take up to a year or more for that rewiring to be undone. I caution anyone attempting to get off of Clonazepam or any similar drug – watch out! Take a very long sabbatical. At least a year. Remove all news, social media, or anything else that may stimulate anxiety. And I mean that! Your brain will not be able to handle much of any form of anxiety once you are off the drug because the drug wires your brain to be dependent on it to cushion any stressors. Remove the drug, and your brain is helpless to handle anything at all. At this point, it will be highly tempting to get back on the drug, even several months later, but whatever dosage you were once on, simply won’t do the trick anymore. In order to have the same effect as before, you will have to take at least twice as much, and that will only rewire your brain even further!

I wish I had known all of this! A few months after getting completely off the drug, I had the worst panic attack ever, that nearly spun me over a cliff. I became suicidal – something that had never happened to me in my life! I was hospitalized for nine days. It had been extremely tempting to get back on the drug, but fortunately my psychiatrist was very mindful of the ill consequences that would bring. He put me on something else to take the edge off, but that’s all it did. I felt like I was reliving 2019 all over again.

SELF-COMPASSION DURING RELAPSE / RECOVERY

As it happened, it wasn’t really that bad. But I felt I really did have to relearn everything I had been doing in therapy. I had to relearn self-compassion. I had to relearn these new habits; not on a drugged up brain, but on a sober brain, a recovering brain. I had to learn how to show grace to a brain that was now recovering from addiction. It wasn’t easy.

SELF-CONDEMNATION IS A TERRIBLE THING

FORGIVE YOURSELF

One of the most surprising things that happened in 2019 while I was at my worst, before I ever saw a doctor or therapist, while lying helplessly on the couch wondering when the storm of anxiety would end, was a vision or dream I experienced of Jesus’ nail-pierced hands, and words gently spoken to me: “Forgive yourself,” said the voice. I honestly didn’t know at the time what the vision or dream meant. But it didn’t seem to be something I would have foolishly imagined. Also, my therapist later agreed whole-heartedly that I was being way too hard on myself. I wasn’t giving myself grace. I wasn’t giving my emotions permission to just be what they are. I was constantly beating myself up over stupid stuff, sometimes even to the point of self-sabotage. I began to believe that perhaps Jesus was offering this statement not as a suggestion, but as a command, and not for just the moment, or for things that happened in the past, but as a way of life. Forgive yourself. Don’t beat yourself up. Forgive yourself because Christ has already forgiven you. Forgive yourself because all your sins and failures have already been nailed to the Cross. Live in freedom. Live in joy. Don’t use any reason or excuse to heap unnecessary shame on your back.

BE EMOTIONALLY VULNERABLE BEFORE GOD IN PRAYER

As I went through counseling, I prayed like I never had prayed before, being gut-wrenchingly vulnerable before God, as in the book of Psalms. I learned that God is close to the brokenhearted, that he listens when we pour out our hearts to him, that he counts our tears of sorrow. The tears we shed at night, he remembers, and will bring healing and joy in the morning. During moments in which I felt so overwhelmed I didn’t know how to pray, I’d ask Jesus to intercede on my behalf. “You know what I need,” I’d pray. “You know better than I do what I need. Pray and intercede with the Father for me, on my behalf.”

MAKE A MENTAL HEALTH CHECKLIST

On a practical level, I wrote my own “mental health checklist”. I realized I had never made my mental and emotional well-being much of a priority. So, the mental health checklist is used as tool for myself to check if I’ve slipped back into bad habits, like obsessing too much over the past, or being too negative or hard on myself, or repeating the same lies to myself. I read it daily to remind myself of these bad habits to avoid, and how to change direction if I’m slipping. I have to do this as a means of “reprogramming” my mind to learn new habits and thought patterns. Forty years of poor programming is a lot to overcome! I have had to learn to be patient with myself. Impatience will only make matters worse.

BEFORE BEDTIME ROUTINE

Another tool I’ve used is a night time routine to relax the mind. For a year or more I’d turn on some classical music and color until I felt sleepy. If I felt particularly anxious, I’d read the Bible or devotional and pray, pouring my heart out to God, and laying my anxieties at his feet. Basically, I’d do whatever I needed to do to “let go” and feel less anxious before heading off to bed. This helped me greatly, as the worst of my anxiety always seemed to occur at night.

LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL

Last year was the first time I felt like a normal human being again. We even went on an international trip, a vacation to Ireland and Scotland. What a trip!

At the moment, I don’t take any medications, except on an as needed basis. I read my mental health checklist daily, and see my therapist every other week or so.

It has been a long road, but God finally brought me out of the pit, and out into the light again! Praise God! I am finally able to enjoy being in the present. I no longer feel as if I’m stuck in the past. I no longer feel the sense of dread that I once did when the feelings of trauma get triggered. It is there, but it no longer wallops me, or threaten to sink me under. God has been good. He has never left my side. It has taken a long time, but God has been faithful. He is slowly healing my mind and spirit, and has taken me out of the pit, so I can enjoy life again!

May God shine his light on you today!

I hope my story may in some way benefit someone out there. Perhaps some of you might relate to my story.

What is your story in your battle against anxiety?

Sin and Grace

How do you react to sin? How do you respond when someone in your family, your office, your work, sins against you? How do you respond when you are betrayed, gossiped about, insulted, slandered, or persecuted? Do you feel hurt, angry, or resentful? What if the person who wronged you was someone you loved and cared about? If you feel hurt when someone wrongs you, how do you think God feels?

In the beginning, God created Adam. God told Adam if he ate of the tree of Knowledge he would surely die. When Adam ate of the forbidden tree, it surely must have broke God’s heart. He loved Adam. He had created him. He had cared for him like a father. He gave Adam everything he could possibly need or desire. He gave him a paradise to live in, a place of ease and tranquility. A paradise on earth. But Adam wasn’t happy. He wanted more. He thought God was holding something back. It didn’t occur to him that God may have been hiding something from him for a reason. For his own benefit, God didn’t want Adam to discover evil. Surely, God felt the sting of betrayal. He had been like a father to Adam and Adam broke his promise to never eat of the forbidden tree. God could have easily sought revenge, but he didn’t. In fact, it was within his right to snuff out the life of Adam right then and there. He did warn Adam that if ate of the tree, he would surely die. But God’s heart welled with compassion. Adam and Eve had yet to bear any children. If God took away their lives, human history would have ended before it had a chance to begin. In his mercy, he did not slay Adam right then and there, even though God had every right to do so. Instead, God sent Adam away to a place where life would no longer be easy for him. From that moment on, Adam would have to grow his crops in a place full of weeds. He’d have to learn to survive through hard work and suffering. God’s actions were an expression of mercy. God could have killed off the human race right then and there, but he chose not to. Instead, he allowed Adam to live a long life. In fact, Adam lived to see nine generations of his offspring. Wow! What a blessing! How many people do you know have lived 900 years old?

Is it then any wonder that life was so highly prized by those of faith in the Old Testament?

Life was deemed precious by the faithful. Every breath of life was not only a blessing, but an act of mercy from God. Surely, as sinners, we all deserve death, just as Adam did. Surely, God has every right to slay us all. But he doesn’t. Why? He mercifully gives us life so that we may acknowledge him, the giver of life. Whether life is hard or easy, we have breath in our lungs. And that’s a gift.

Luke 13 begins with a group of people who tell Jesus about some Galileans who were brutally killed by the Romans. Apparently, these individuals thought the Galileans got what was coming to them – God allowed them to die a brutal death because of their sin. But Jesus puts them in their place. “Do you think they died because their sin was greater than yours?” He asks them. “No, that’s not why they perished.” Apparently, these people considered themselves holier than thou. They thought of some people more deserving of death and punishment than themselves. They wagged their fingers, claiming those Galileans got what they deserved. But Jesus turned the tables on them. He tells them that the sins of “those people” are no worse than their own. Ouch! And if they don’t repent, the same fate will happen to them. What was Jesus saying? He was saying that because of their sin, they all deserve the same fate as the Galileans they were so busily wagging their fingers against. But God decided not to slay them, as he did the Galileans, even though that’s what they deserved. He chose instead to allow them to live. And this was an act of grace. An act of mercy. God was under no obligation to save anyone, but he chose to allow some to live anyway. And if those of whom he restores, saves, and protects, do not recognize God’s act of mercy and repent of their sins, God will allow the same harsh judgment to fall upon them. The fate of the Galileans was meant as a warning to those still living. They were to repent and acknowledge God for his mercy, for preserving their lives.

There are two things that God requires of us: thankfulness for his goodness towards us, and to always trustingly call upon his Name in times of trouble. To call upon his Name means to recall to mind God’s character. And what do we know of his character? We know his character is one who is eager to show mercy. And when he shows mercy by answering our prayer, what should we do? We should thank him for his mercy!

How does this tie into sin?

I have often heard it said that God is a covenant making God, who is always faithful even we are not. But this frankly isn’t true, for two reasons. For one thing, covenants were made between pagan peoples. It was a pagan practice to perform covenant between two peoples. For another, covenants require swearing oaths, and Jesus commanded his followers not to swear oaths, but to simply let your yes be yes and your no be no. Thirdly, God has no need for oaths. Everything God says is true; therefore, if he says something is going to happen, it will. If everything he says is true, then all his promises are true. There’s no reason why he’d have any need to swear an oath. So why did he make covenant with his people? It is likely God condescended to make vows with men according to man’s customs at the time, so that people who lived in that time and culture might understand the seriousness of God’s intentions. God condescends to speak to us in the manner and language that is most meaningful. That is what he did in the Old Testament. But he had no need to “make covenant”. His promises were true regardless of whether or not he had sworn an oath. The other issue I have is that once a covenant has been broken, the other party is under no obligation to fulfill their end of the bargain. That is, God might have been faithful to his promises to the Israelites in spite of their unfaithfulness to their Mosaic covenantal vows, but God was under no obligation to do so. He was faithful, not because of covenantal vows which are based on conditional promises which had been broken time and time again by the nation of Israel, but because of God’s purity of character. God repeatedly told the Israelites that it was on the account of his Name that he’d forgive the Israelites their sins and fulfill his promises to them. His Name refers to his character and reputation. In describing his relationship with the nation of Israel, God described himself as a husband married to an unfaithful wife. And Jesus claimed that the only valid reason for a man to divorce his wife is unfaithfulness. Thus, God had every right to “divorce” Israel and attach himself to some other people group. It was out of his consistent character of all surpassing grace, mercy, and love, that God chose to fulfill his promises to Israel even when they sinned against him, not because of covenantal obligations which had been nullified the moment Israel broke their vows.

A year ago, I participated in a Bible study of the Old Testament. Specifically, we studied the Hebrew people during the time when their kingdom was divided into Israel and Judah. The nation of Israel had one wicked king after the other. The nation of Judah had a sprinkling of kings who were faithful to God, but they were not much better. During these turbulent years, God sent prophet after prophet to warn the Hebrew people that they needed to turn back to God. And over and over again, they were rejected. Jeremiah was one of the last of these prophets. For forty years he warned the people that God would punish them by allowing their enemies to conquer their nations, massacre their people, and send the survivors into exile. But no one believed him. No one believed him because it went against God’s covenantal promise to always place a descendent of Judah as ruler over the people. Jeremiah would have been reminded by the people that God had specified that this was an eternal promise. Therefore, God would always protect the nation of Judah. Always. Forever. He would never allow Judah to fall. It was inconceivable for them to think otherwise. God had always kept his promises. Why would he suddenly stop? But God did abandon them, and both Israel and Judah fell to their enemies.

When our class ended, we discussed why God abandoned them. And it was agreed that they were abandoned because of their sin. But this conclusion defies logic. Clearly, both nations sinned greatly against the Lord long before they were destroyed. God gave them many chances to turn away from their wickedness, but they refused. And it gets worse. God accuses them of committing greater sins than that of the pagan nations around them! If it was sin, God should have struck them down long before things got out of hand. But he didn’t. Why? Because love covers a multitude of sins. In God’s loving nature, God forgave them, over and over again. God loved his people. But his people did not recognize him. They did not give him honor or thanksgiving. They never grieved over their sins, and they took God’s merciful nature completely for granted. God was willing to give his people chance after chance after chance to confess their sins and turn away from their wickedness. But like stubborn children, they continued doing whatever they were doing before, without a care in the world that there might be consequences. At one point in the book of Jeremiah, God acts like a frustrated father, at the end of his rope. He lists their numerous sins and his growing wrath. But then he does something unexpected. He tells them (and I’m paraphrasing here), “Ok, guys. You all have turned against me. You could care less about the laws and precepts I gave you. You insist on going your own way. Fine. Whatever. I am at my wits end and have given up hope of you embracing my laws anymore. So, I’ll make you a deal. If you do this one thing for me – just this one thing – I promise to relent on my anger. I won’t punish you for your wickedness. I will forgive you and cancel the debt.” It’s like a parent telling an unruly child, “Ok, I give up! Day after day I’ve been after you over something. If it’s not one thing, it’s another. Any time I ask you to do something, you do just the opposite. I am done with having any high expectations from you anymore! So, I’ll make a deal with you. If you do this one thing for me, just this one thing, I’ll be happy. That’s how low my expectations are right now. Clean your room and all will be forgiven!” Israel’s sins were great. Surely, they deserved punishment. It was out of grace that they weren’t. God chose to abandon Israel after they refused to do that one thing (in this case, God asked them to release their Hebrew slaves). God had asked them to obey a single command – and they couldn’t even do that right. God hadn’t abandoned the people; the people had abandoned him. And it was only then that God turned away from his own people and let them fall under the hands of their enemies.

So, what do we learn from this? We learn that God will not reject us because of sin. But he will reject us if we take God completely for granted. If we assume he does not care if we do as we please. If we assume he must not care about our actions if no just punishment falls upon us (yet).

Does that mean God is a legalist? That he expects perfection? No. God simply wants us to be contrite about our sins. To view sin and wickedness for what it is. It is evil. And it is abhorrent to God. To embrace the wisdom to love that which is good and to reject that which is evil. If we love God, then we love the things that God loves. If we love God, all evil becomes repugnant. When we find ourselves doing the evil we do not want to do, we are reminded of Saint Paul’s remarks in Romans 7. We no longer love the part of ourselves that does evil, but we are reminded that our sins have been crucified with Christ on the cross. When our hearts agree that God’s law is good, that our own deeds have conflicted with God’s law, and believe that Christ endured the punishment that should have been ours, the full wrath of God, God will not only have mercy with regards to our sins, but grant us a new resurrected life with him. And if our hearts are in agreement with all of that, then gratitude will naturally bubble up inside of us. We are no longer afraid when we sin. We see God as a god of mercy and goodness, and not a merciless taskmaster. We see our lives as glorious gifts from God and not a curse or a torment. Sin may persist, but as long as we still have breath and life, we live under God’s redeeming grace. Thus, Saint Paul was right when he said, when sin increases, God’s grace increases all the more!

The question is, are you thankful? Are you grateful? Are you grateful for your life and all the good things God has given you? Are you grateful for God’s great gift, the gift of his Son? Are you thankful for the sacrifice He made on your behalf? Will you give him your thankfulness, devotion, and praise? Will you trust in his mercy in your time of need? Will you praise him with your heart when he delivers you? Or will you go on your way, doing whatever you were doing before, giving him neither your acknowledgement nor praise, nor one shred of your obedience?

Suffering

A friend of mine shared with me a couple videos in which the speaker addressed the issue of suffering.

I admit, suffering is a difficult topic to tackle, especially if you’ve experienced much personal suffering yourself, have been a witness to the suffering of others, or have felt burdened with anxiety by the stories of tragedies, wars, injustices, and pandemics, going on all over the world.

In my own personal life, I’ve survived indescribable trauma from neglect and abandonment at a very young age. These experiences left deep scars. Emotions that had been suppressed for decades suddenly bubbled up to the surface some years ago. I thought I had forgiven those who had hurt me, but I had been blind. I had been in denial of how deep the scars were.

The question that was addressed in the video is this: How do we reconcile suffering with a good God?

I believe that if we ask this question, it is because we have not meditated long enough upon the sufferings of God Himself. Surely, God has suffered. He is painfully cut to the heart each time He is sinned against and rejected by those of whom He had created to be His image bearers. His Son, also, was well acquainted with suffering, sorrow, persecution, even death on a cross. How do we reconcile Christ’s suffering with His perfect, sinless life? He who knew no sin… suffered the humiliating death of a criminal. What an injustice! And God the Father did nothing to save Him. Even so, God the Father suffered the most heartbreaking loss any parent could endure: the loss of his only Son.

Contrast this suffering to the suffering that affects all mortal human life. It is the suffering every human being endures. It is the result of the Fall. This type of suffering is meant to make us humble, so that we never think more of ourselves than what we ought. God told Adam that if he ate of the forbidden tree, he would surely die. But God in His mercy allowed Adam to live. Even so, God was very harsh on Adam. He threw Adam out of the garden and told him that from now on, life will no longer be easy. Instead, it will be full of suffering. And we’ve been living under that curse ever since.

When the sufferings of this life felt overwhelming, the faithful in the Old Testament cried out to the Lord for mercy. Why did they cry out for mercy? Because they considered their very lives to be a blessing from God. Surely, God would have been just to end the entire human race since all had rebelled against Him in some way. And if our very lives are blessings from God, we have no right to complain, even of our sufferings. The faithful pleaded with God not because they felt they had any right to complain, but because they knew God to be a God of mercy. They understood God as a Father who is compassionate towards those who love Him.

“Suffering is having what you don’t want or wanting what you don’t have.”

This is the definition that was given in the video. However, in my opinion, this definition sounds a bit too self-centered. Based on this logic, if I don’t get what I want, then I’m… suffering? Any minor inconvenience could fall into that category. But I wouldn’t call that “suffering”. If a person feels he is suffering every time he doesn’t have what he wants, then he is a miserable soul indeed! This definition certainly describes the needless “suffering” of a self-centered soul, who resents the things he does have and covets the things he doesn’t. I don’t see how it applies to the sufferings of someone of faith. It describes someone who grumbles whenever things don’t go as planned, or the petulant “suffering” of a child who has been deprived of his toys. This definition may describe the reason why people indulge in resentful complaining when things don’t go their way. But this isn’t suffering.

True suffering goes far deeper. Suffering is enduring great hardship, pain, or loss.

We all know what it means to suffer. The wounds are deep and painful. You are cut to the heart. Both your heart and spirit are broken, shredded, and trampled on. It is the heartbreak over a broken relationship. It is the rejection of friends and family. It is the affliction of an intensely painful disease. It is the indescribable loss of someone dearly loved. It is enduring the ugliness of abuse and the persecution and betrayal of friends. It is walking in the same shoes as Job did, experiencing the same hardships he did, when he lost his wealth, his marriage, and his entire household, and he sat in ashes as boils afflicted his skin.

Suffering HURTS. It is PAINFUL. And if neither loss nor tragedy causes you pain, sorrow, or tears, you need to check your pulse. Because suffering will happen to us all, both Christian and non-Christian alike. No one is immune.

Suffering will do one of two things to a person: either it will soften the heart, or it will harden it. A softened heart will humbly accept the pain and will pour out their heart before God and others, in unashamed tears of sorrow. A hardened heart will be too proud to indulge in sorrow. A hardened heart may even consider the pain unacceptable. Such people will either fight bitterly against it, attempt to flee from it by avoiding, minimizing, or dulling the pain, or they will wallow in self-pity. Suffering will build up the character of someone whose heart is softened, but it will only worsen the character of someone whose heart is hardened.

May we never trivialize the sufferings of Christ. Certainly, He suffered, but He thought nothing of His own sufferings, or His own wants and cares, but He purposed Himself to consider and do only the will of His Father. God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son to die a brutal death upon a Cross. Yet in no way did Christ despise the Cross of which He experienced the greatest physical pain one can imagine. Not only did He not despise it – He embraced it gladly because He knew the gain His followers would receive as a result of His sacrifice. His greatest “want”, His greatest desire, was not to gain anything for Himself, but for us to gain an eternal inheritance. Surely, Christ achieved this goal. But it was not without great sorrow and loss! It was not without suffering!

Christ’s sufferings remind me of a classic story, Sleeping Beauty. As you might recall, the princess is in a deep sleep, and only the kiss of a prince will revive her. But in the story, the valiant prince, her betrothed, is imprisoned, and once released, he must go on a quest fighting a fierce dragon. He endures one hardship after another, one battle after another, but he does so willingly and without complaint, because his eye is on his prize – his betrothed. In similar fashion, out of love for His Bride, the Church, Christ was willing to endure any quest, any hardship, any form of suffering, to raise up the Church, from death to life.

To love as Jesus loved is to love so deeply that all our self-focused wants and desires are nothing in comparison to being with Him, in meeting the needs and interests of others, to give until it hurts, so that others will not be in want, to intercede on behalf of the saints to the point of tears, to ache in our hearts for those who have fallen away from the faith, to bless those who curse you so that they may receive a blessing and know the grace of God. To suffer as Jesus suffered is to look towards our eternal inheritance: “For the joy set before Him, He endured the cross.” For the joy set before us, eternal life with our Lord and Savior, we gladly accept our momentary sufferings in this world.

Suffering in this way puts an end to all manner of attitudes of self-interest. Never again will you give any thought to consider suffering “unacceptable”. In fact, Saint Paul considered his suffering the “glory” of the people of whom he ministered to. When he was questioned regarding his qualifications as an apostle, he could have listed all the churches he had started during his missionary journeys, but instead, he listed all the sufferings and hardships he had faced since becoming a disciple of Christ: he had been stoned, flogged, shipwrecked, imprisoned, all for the sake of the gospel. How might our own attitudes of suffering change if we looked at suffering in the same perspective?

John chapter 9 describes a story of a man born blind. The story begins with Jesus’ disciples discussing what “caused” the man to be born blind: was it his sin, or the sin of his parents? Jesus’ response blows the mind and flips all our assumptions about suffering on its head: “Neither, but so that the glory of God may be revealed.”

This verse had earth-shattering implications for me. I have suffered eye disease since early childhood. I have gone through countless eye surgeries. I thank God every day for the vision I still have, but I must confess, there had been times I’ve asked the question, “Why, God?” Jesus’ answer regarding the man born blind gave me great hope that God could use my suffering for His glory. I have since shared my story to others, and I’ve given God all the credit for preserving my eyesight for the last forty years. God has watched over me, and I’ve done more with my life than I ever thought possible, considering all that I have endured since early childhood. He alone sustains me.

“We say that there ought to be no sorrow, but there is sorrow, and we have to accept and receive ourselves in its fires. If we try to evade sorrow, refusing to deal with it, we are foolish. Sorrow is one of the biggest facts in life, and there is no use in saying it should not be. Sin, sorrow, and suffering are, and it is not for us to say that God has made a mistake in allowing them. Sorrow removes a great deal of a person’s shallowness, but it does not always make that person better. Suffering either gives me to myself or it destroys me.” – OSWALD CHAMBERS

Romans 8:18 – “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.”

The Place of Reason In A Christian’s Life

I read in a book by Joyce Myers that we need to be mindfully set on obeying God rather than fear, doubt and Satan’s lies. I agree with her, that doubt is Satan’s way of attacking our faith. Doubt rises when Satan is determined to want to stop us from doing God’s will. It means to make a decision to listen to God and not to submit to doubt, fear, lies, or even our own intellect that might try to convince us to do something contrary to God’s will.

Satan will try to plant seeds of doubt – that is a given. But we have a choice whether to listen to it or not. We must submit to the Spirit’s will above our own. God is superior in intellect and knowledge. Not only that, He is also benevolent and kind. Thus His reasoning and rationale is always sound – He has an infinite amount of knowledge to back up His decisions – more knowledge than our puny brains could possibly fathom. Also because He is benevolent, He will always use His knowledge for our best interests. Thus, He is a reasonable God, and one that will not use His knowledge against us. His decisions are always right and true and based on facts that our puny brains can’t possibly fathom. Thus we can be confident and assured that His demands are never “unreasonable”. He will NEVER make an unreasonable or illogical request. He is the inventor of all things, including logic and reason.

I consider our capacity for logic and reason to be gifts from God, but just like any gift, it can be misused. In this manner, I disagreed with Joyce Myers. Joyce said she abandoned reason because it always got her into trouble. The more she knew, the more she worried, and became full of fear and doubt. But if she lacked knowledge, she obsessed about reasoning things out, to the point of talking herself out of following God’s commands. In her mind, all reasoning is evil. But I don’t see it that way at all. Without “reasoning” we wouldn’t have scientists, and surely there is a place for them in heaven too! I consider the ability to think critically, analytically, and logically, to be a valuable gift from God, not something to be ignored and tossed aside, but something that can be used to glorify God, if used properly, and with the proper perspective. When “reasoning” things out, a person should always be humble enough to keep in mind that his conclusions, based on the facts laid in front of him, may be wrong. That is, our ability to reason should never cause us to be arrogant and think that all our conclusions are right. God is the only person who is always right all the time, and who quite literally, really does have all the facts laid before Him. Thus, His conclusions and judgment are always sound. However, we humans cannot possibly know all the facts because we have only a small finite knowledge of the world.

However, that doesn’t mean that our capacity for reason shouldn’t be ignored. That would be the same as telling a musician he shouldn’t compose music because his mastery of music could never compete against God’s. Or telling a painter he should ignore painting sunsets because God alone can make a perfect sunset. The gifts that we have, whether logic, intellect, knowledge, music, painting, should be used for God’s glory, with the perspective that these abilities are merely gifts, we did nothing to earn them, and God could, at any time, strip them away. As long as we are humble enough to submit these gifts to God, to know that they are nothing in comparison to the power and grace of God, we should be fine. Our gifts should never be misused, either edifying ourselves with pride, arrogance, or come between us and the Lord. If our gifts are leading us into sin, then I see why one might abandon it. As Jesus says, if your eye is causing you to sin, pluck it out; if your hand causes you to sin, cut it off. Better a man enter heaven blind or lame than not to enter heaven at all (paraphrased). So abandoning reason because it caused you to sin is perfectly good and right according to God’s Word. However, if someone is able to use the gift of reason in a manner that edifies the Lord, than it’d be a sin to encourage that person to abandon his ability to reason.

Personally, I am a very logical person, and got a degree in mathematics. I love math and science and feel that these things also are gifts from God. I believe that humans were meant to learn and explore this great universe, and God has revealed some of this knowledge through the sciences.

Notice I say “some”. Like I said before, we humans have the capacity of learning only a finite amount of knowledge. Therefore our knowledge of the universe will ALWAYS be finite, no matter how long and hard we strive to learn everything. This is God’s way of keeping scientists humble! However, the journey through knowledge and discovery can be a wonderful and thrilling experience, and someone who loves the Lord has an even greater appreciation for it, because it is so humbling to see how wondrous and marvelous God created this great universe.

Our capacity to reason, by using facts to come to draw conclusions, can sometimes be used by Satan to warp our view and draw the wrong conclusions, or ones contrary to what God would want us to do.

Consider this: a man needs surgery to save his life. Suppose the man feels in his heart that God is asking him to go through with the surgery. But suppose later on the man finds out about the risks of the surgery. Much to his chagrin, he finds that the odds are very high for complications, and even death. This knowledge sparks fear into the man’s heart. Then jumps in Satan. He can sense this man’s fear. Using the man’s gift of logic and reasoning against him, he tries to convince the man the surgery isn’t worth the risk. The man has a choice – either follow God’s will and submit to the surgery, or submit to his own fears based on logical reasoning. The man can either trust God and trust that God knows what He’s doing by asking him to go through with the surgery, or trust his own limited knowledge on what might happen if he goes through with it. Since God always knows what He’s doing, and nothing He directs us to do is ever “unreasonable”, although it might seem so to our limited brains, he should do as God asked him to do and follow through with the surgery.

I think of it this way – our heart is a compass and there is God on one side and our flesh on the other. We are approached with a moral decision. Suppose we know what God would want us to do, but our flesh selfishly doesn’t feel like it. The heart’s desire will either lean towards desiring what God would want us to do, or point to pleasing the flesh. Then the mind steps in and will logically try to “reason” why one decision is more appealing than the other. But if we know what God would want us to do, there is not much to “reason” out. If our heart is pointing towards God, our logic should dictate that if I want to please God, logically, I should do what He says. There is nothing more to “reason” out. However, when the arrow is pointing towards the flesh, Satan will inevitably plant every “reason” and excuse into our brain as to why submitting to the flesh is a superior solution. Our reasoning brain will listen to all the excuses until it all seems perfectly logical. The problem was when our heart’s compass started to lean towards the flesh, and we gave Satan the time of day by allowing him to provide us his arguments.

But what about all the decisions we make every day in which we don’t hear a voice from God? Perhaps we are trying to decide on which house or car to buy, what job offer to accept, or what college we should attend. We might pray about these things only to get silence from God.

God has appointed us stewards of our bodies and households. Thus, if it is cold and raining outside, as wise stewards of our vulnerable bodies, reason would suggest we wear a jacket and bring an umbrella before we leave the house. As wise stewards of our households, we might take a job offer that provides a higher salary in order to provide for a growing family. If we have financial struggles, we might decide on a cheaper home to buy in order to keep down costs. All these decisions are based on reason and common wisdom. And God would not be displeased by anyone using their talents of reason and wisdom in this manner.

There are many other decisions that we make all the time that have no right or wrong answers. It’s more of a matter of weighing our options. If our car breaks down, we consider other options of getting to work: rent a car, carpool with a coworker, take the bus, etc. If we get sick and come down with the flu, we might do one of the following: drag yourself into work because you don’t want to waste your sick days, stay home and self-medicate with over-the-counter medicines and get plenty of rest, or go to urgent care and get professional medical advice. We weigh the pros and cons of each decision. For many of these decisions there’s no right or wrong answer. God doesn’t always comment on these day-to-day decisions. In fact, most of the time He doesn’t. But that’s okay! That doesn’t mean He’s abandoned us.

I love reading the book of Acts. In the book of Acts, Saint Paul goes on several lengthy missionary journeys. It is interesting where his travels took him. His life after he became a believer was chock full of uncertainty. He never had a plan. And he never knew where he’d end up next. But that didn’t stop him. He’d just preach in whatever region he happened to be staying in. There were times he’d get chased out of one town and wind up someplace else, someplace he probably least expected to be. But he never questioned his circumstances. Wherever he ended up at, he’d start to preach there. If he ended up in jail, he’d preach to the jailer and his fellow prisoners. If he wound up in court, he’d use the opportunity to tell his personal testimony before the Roman leaders. If he was taken by force by Roman soldiers onto a ship during a storm, he’d use the opportunity to show compassion them, pray for them, and assure them that God intended them to live. He never questioned his circumstances. He just seemed to go along with the ride. While circumstances seemed to toss him about, this way and that, from one place to another, sometimes under terrible persecution and death threats, Saint Paul always took it all in stride. As far as he was concerned, every situation was preordained by God. All he needed to do was take full advantage of every opportunity to use those situations to God’s glory.

Sometimes our journey seems shaky and uncertain. Sometimes we worry about the future. We worry about making the “wrong” choices. We ask ourselves things like: What if I misinterpreted the signs? Maybe God never wanted me to break up with my boyfriend after all. What if God really wanted me to take some other job? What if I chose the wrong career for my life? What if God wanted me to move to another state? What if God really wanted me to … you fill in the blank.

But what is the worst thing that could happen if you did make a “mistake”? Do you really believe God will abandon you if you did make a mistake? Do you believe God does not have the power to rectify your “mistake”? Surely, God blessed King David and Bathsheba with a son who would become one of the greatest and wisest kings who ever lived. God not only forgave David for his “mistake” in committing adultery. He blessed him with a remarkable son, King Solomon, who would eventually organize the building of the Temple to the Lord in Jerusalem. Surely, God blesses us even with our mistakes!

Surely, I have made some life-changing decisions that at first, I wasn’t sure were the “right” ones. But what I have realized is that God is always faithful, even in the midst of our uncertainty. I can look back and see how God richly blessed me, even when I wasn’t certain of myself and my decisions. Whether I made the “right” decisions or the “wrong” ones, God was present. He was faithful.

In the end, we use our reasoning to the best of our ability, in a God-honoring way, but it ultimately doesn’t really matter whether we made the “right” decisions or the “wrong” ones. But what does matter is what did we do with the decisions that we made? Did we make the best of every opportunity to give thanks and praise to God? Did we use our gifts, whatever they may be, to the best of our ability, to God’s glory? Did we offer praise to God when God chose to bless us in spite of our “mistakes”?

FAITH

Christians use the word faith a lot. But do Christians really know what the word means?

I believe it is vital for Christians to know and understand the definitions of the words they use all the time; words such as faith, grace, love, covenant, sacrament, etc.

Here is what faith is not:
• It is not simply having a belief in something
• It is not wishful thinking
• It is not being smart enough to be able to use the word faith in a sentence
• It is not having all the Scriptures memorized that has the word faith in them
• It is not a catch phrase
• It is not ‘blind’

So, what is it?

One place to start is the dictionary.

faith /fāTH/ noun

complete trust or confidence in someone or something.

Let’s think about this. Let’s ponder it deeply. Having faith is having complete trust. It means you are 100% confident that something is true. Thus, if you have faith in a person, that means you have 100% trust in him. That person is 100% reliable. There isn’t a doubt in your mind. It is “complete trust”. Therefore, if you say you have faith in God, then you are saying you have complete trust in Him. It doesn’t mean simply that you believe God exists. It means you consider Him 100% reliable. He is 100% dependable.

Here is another thing to keep in mind. The book of James says that faith without works is worthless. Now, let’s not confuse “works” that James refers to with the empty “works” that St. Paul talks about in his letters. James is making the point that some people are frankly hypocrites. They say one thing and do another. I think we can all agree that the “faith” of hypocrites is no faith at all! It is worthless. The faith that God wants us to have, the faith that God consistently honors and blesses throughout Scripture, in both the Old and New Testaments, is a faith that is so sure, so unwaveringly certain, that one responds with unquestioning obedience to whatever God asks of that person, even if what He promises or asks of a person may seem illogical, dangerous, or downright crazy. God asked Abraham to believe he’d father a child even in his old age. He asked Gideon to form an army of a measly two hundred to confront enemy armies of thousands, and tens of thousands. He asked Noah to build an ark and told him to just trust Him that He would flood the earth, even though such a thing had never happened before in the history of all mankind, and Noah had never even seen rain fall from the sky. He had never seen a rainbow. God had anointed David as heir to the throne, but David had to put his entire trust in God while dodging enemies on all sides, including King Saul, who were trying to kill him. None of these valiant folk were hailed for their passionate submission to the Mosaic Law, as written in the Ten Commandments and expounded in Leviticus and Deuteronomy. But they were hailed by their faith, their complete confidence that they could depend on God. If God said something was going to happen, they believed it. If God told them to do something, they did it without question because they knew God as an all-knowing god who knew what He was talking about. They loved God and all the things that God valued and loved. They loved all His characteristics. They knew God as a god who was merciful, just, forgiving, gracious, tenderhearted, compassionate, almighty, powerful, a great protector, defender, dependable, honest, honorable, and kind. And God never did anything “out of character”. The Law taught them only that they fell far short of being considered worthy of acceptance as His holy people. They understood that their standing as God’s chosen people rested entirely on God’s faithful willingness to forgive and give them a clean slate every time they repented. Thus, they relied not on themselves but solely on the integrity and character of God. And this is the faith of a Christian – that we are realistic of who we are: flawed, weak, and corrupted human beings, who will one day die and return to the earth as dust – and of who God is: singular (there is only one god), eternal, holy, divine, perfect, all-knowing, all powerful, sovereign king, judge, healer, life-giver, provider, comforter, savior, defender, protector, and friend – AND we act on that knowledge in the things that we do, in at least one aspect of our lives. That is, perhaps we’ve learned to depend on God in our activities in some areas of our lives but not in others, such as perhaps we hit a rough spot in our marriage and we learned to “give it to God” and when we did that, things worked themselves out. Or perhaps you lost your job and you’ve had to depend on God to provide for basic things like food or enough money to pay the bills, something you never had to do before, you always lived comfortably before and kind of took it for granted that you always had more than enough to provide for your needs. Ironically, when we let go of ourselves and the dependence we’ve always had on our own strength to get us through, that is when we are the most free. And that is when our faith in God shines the brightest. And this is precisely the type of faith God consistently honors again and again all throughout Scripture.

Does that mean the Law is meaningless? What did King David do once he was confronted by Nathan regarding his sin? David had slept with Bathsheba, had her husband killed, and then took her as his wife. He had accomplished all this with cold-hearted determination. He had no conscious, no remorse. He was consumed with single-minded possessive lust. But once Nathan confronted him regarding his sin, his heart crumbled. You see, deep down inside, David loved the Lord. He had never lost his love for God. He loved the Lord and treasured all of God’s laws and statutes as being just and fair. When the realization of what he had done hit home, he confessed to God, “Against You only have I sinned.” Surely, he had sinned against a great number of people, but what broke his heart the most was the feeling that he had betrayed God. In his heart he knew he had done everything God despises – lust, adultery, deceit, murder, and countless other sins. He mourned in tears for many days and barely ate a thing. When confronted of our sins, our hearts should respond as David’s did. It should cut us to the heart. If we truly love God, it should tear us up inside. At the same time, we remember also who God is. There is no sin so great that God is unable or unwilling to forgive. We may feel low and dejected, cut to the heart, but at the same time, we can go before the throne of grace in tears and mourning, confessing our sins to God, confident that God who loves us with an all-consuming love, will forgive us and restore our broken spirits. This, too, demonstrates faith. David had faith in the Law as being good and just and also in God’s merciful nature, being someone who also was always eager to forgive a contrite heart.

Some people will say, “I have faith in God’s promises.” But we don’t put our faith in promises. Would you trust a promise made by a con artist to pay you back the money you loaned him? Probably not. But I’m guessing you would believe the same promise if it came from a trustworthy source, like a nun or priest. Thus, a promise is only as reliable as the promise-keeper. But what if you don’t trust nuns or priests. Then you wouldn’t put any faith in their promises either, even if they were good people. Thus, the amount of secure confidence you have in someone fulfilling their promise is only as great as your trust in that person’s integrity. Thus, your trust in God’s promises is directly linked to what you believe to be true about God Himself. If you think of God as distant, capricious, and uncaring, you probably are not going to have much faith in God’s promises to help you in your moment of crisis. However, if you think of God as intimate, merciful, compassionate, powerful, and attentive, you will be quick to call upon Him in faith that he will listen to your cries for help and save you in your time of need. You will be quick to believe in His promises because of what you believe about HIM.
I have often heard it said that God is a “covenant-making God”, as if that is supposed to be a mind-blowing concept. But we make covenants all the time. We get married, make promises to friends and family that we’ll spend more time with them, etc. We make promises and vows all the time. That’s not mind-blowing at all. It’s easy to MAKE promises. It’s easy to exchange wedding vows and throw a party. What’s mind-blowing about God is not that He makes covenantal relational vows with us. What’s mind-blowing is that He would be willing to stay loyal even when the covenant has been broken. There is one and only one condition that is acceptable by God for a man to divorce his wife and that is in the case of adultery. In the case of the covenant God made with Israel, God describes Himself as a husband being married to an adulterous wife (Israel). Over and over again, God reminds Israel, you have broken my covenant. By reminding Israel of this fact, He is saying, “Understand this: Because you’ve broken my covenant, I’m no longer bound by covenant to stay loyal to you or to keep my promises. You are acting like an adulterous wife, and I would be well within my rights to reject you and accept a new people, a new nation, to become my holy people. Even so, I have chosen NOT to reject you – I still love you, regardless of what you have done. Therefore, I choose to keep all the promises I had made to you, as if you had always been a faithful wife.”

Think about this. Ponder this deeply. Do you know anyone who would willingly put up with that kind of abuse?
This is mind-blowing. Adultery is the worst kind of betrayal. Imagine making promise after promise to your spouse, during your marriage’s honeymoon stage, expecting the relationship to last for as long as the two of you are alive, only to find out your beloved has been playing the field. Every instinct inside of you wants to leave this horribly dysfunctional and broken relationship. You feel angry, rejected, unappreciated, and unloved. Your heart is broken, and you know you have every right to leave the relationship for good. Yet, your heart breaks for your spouse. You find it in your heart to still love the person. And you make the conscious decision to not only stay faithful to that person as their spouse, but you are determined to fulfill all the promises you made from the moment you were first wed. If we are honest, we would probably call such a person a fool for being so naïve. That person is headed for heartbreak and disaster if they willfully choose to stay in such a relationship. But God was neither naïve nor blind when he made his decision. He knew what was in their hearts. He knew they’d probably betray Him again and again. He knew exactly what He was getting into. He knew He would ultimately suffer a lot of pain and heartache from a people who refused to listen to Him, time and time again. But by keeping his promises, he crowned them with unmerited favor.

This is the faithfulness of God. It defies all human instincts. Most people would run away from an adulterous relationship. Many walk away from that kind of betrayal feeling resentful and scarred. The depth of human love simply cannot comprehend the depth of pain and sorrow God was willing to embrace on behalf of his chosen, beloved people. In love, He willingly chose to stay bonded with Israel. It is impossible for human love to contemplate that kind of unwavering devotion. It doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t sound safe. Why would someone be that faithful to someone undeserved?

While there are some individuals who willingly stay in abusive relationships, they usually do so at great cost to themselves. They are battered, bruised, both physically and psychologically. They’ve been scarred deeply. They may suffer from a myriad of psychological disorders: anxiety, depression, battered wife syndrome, low self-worth, PTSD, alcoholism, substance abuse, etc. God is the only One capable of putting up with abuse and stand unhindered. God certainly grieves over sin, and even punishes us in anger and wrath, but our behavior never affects His character. His character and integrity never changes based on what we do. He never takes back His promises just because we’ve disappointed Him. He never becomes anxious, frustrated, bitter, or resentful over our own “bad behavior”. He never worries and frets over us. He’s never depressed. Never afraid. The magnitude of God’s patient love and tender sorrow for us is so great, that these emotions end up overriding everything else, and only the divine mind of God can supernaturally endure it unscathed.

Our reaction to God’s unmerited faithfulness to us should humble us. It should touch us deeply. There is no other love like this. It reveals to us how precious we are in His eyes. And because we are precious to Him, He is dependable. We can trust Him always.

Will you put your trust in Him today?